I am ready for a breakthrough

You know when you're ready to have that moment where it all makes sense? Where it all clicks and you see the big picture? Throughout this weight loss journey (some mentioned on this blog and some prior) I have lost 31.5 pounds going from 180 to 148.5. I am really proud of my progress. For the first two years of my high school career I weighed around 149 without diet or exercise. My junior year I upped my weight loss efforts and got down to 133 (for all of two weeks!!) but then I got a job working at Jamba Juice and the freedom of eating out and ballooned to 170 for the majority of my senior year. The summer before college I got back to about 155 but then freshman 15 turned into the freshman 25! Yes at 5 foot 2 I weighed 180! Luckily I realized how unhealthy this really was and dropped 10 pounds...boom 170. I stayed there for quite a while until the middle of my junior year where I decided to give losing weight another try. I got down to about 160 for the summer before senior year and before I came back to school for my final year I got down to about 155. I struggled and tussled between 155 and 160 for a full semester and some change until I finally hit 150 around spring break and just recently 148.5. I tell you all this to say that my whole weight loss journey has been one wild ride of highest highs and the lowest lows. In about two weeks I am graduating college and my initial weight loss goal was 135....looks like I'm not going to get there but I am okay with that. I've re-adjusted my goal for 142-145. At first I was down on myself because this is the first time that my goal hasn't felt SOOO far away and I was sad that I didn't reach it but now I am encouraged. Losing 30 pounds is NO easy task and I know the closer I get to my goal weight the harder it will be. But I will NEVER stop trying.

I always had this mindset that I had to treat myself "less than" until I hit my goal weight. That I wasn't allowed to buy new clothes or celebrate any weight loss victories until everything was official. I allowed myself to hide from the world....with a smile on my face no one could see my disappointment, my low self-esteem, my loneliness. But you know what has changed this? Not losing the weight, but MAKING the journey. Although I do realize that losing the weight is half the battle confidence is the other half. I have always, always been afraid to put myself out there because I was so afraid of being rejected. In my mind I put myself down before someone else could....beat 'em to the punch. Not anymore. I may not be perfect, and I may not be at my goal weight yet but I am still worth the effort. I am worth attractive guys noticing me, I'm worth putting on makeup, I'm worth buying new clothes. The growing of confidence takes time and without making a weight loss journey you can really have an imbalance. I wouldn't want to be 135 right now with 0 self esteem -- whats the point of losing the weight but still feeling like the fact/undesirable girl in the room? And I want to validate myself...I don't want to require a man or anyone else to tell me how great I am....I have to KNOW that I am great. Insecurity is the biggest turn off in girls and guys and I refuse to need someone else to love me instead of me loving myself.

And while I will say I am not 100% percent there I would say I am 80% there (this is a dual journey people haha)and I hope that with completing my weight goal by the end of the summer I will be 100% confident as well. My goal this summer is to get to 135 by the beginning of August (can you say vacation in Hawaii!!!) and I have a plan this summer that I want to act as if I'm 135. I don't know if I'm making sense but what I mean to say is that as of right now (in some ways) I still let my weight hold me back whether it be how outgoing I am or how I interact with guys but this summer I want to abolish that. I don't want to fall for the first guy who shows me some attention (like I always used to do because I felt like no one liked me and I was LUCKY that these guys were interested in me) and I don't want to keep quiet because I'm afraid people will pay attention and notice I'm chubby. If I want things to be different I have to react to them differently or else they will never change. It saddens me to think of how I used to feel:

-i am going to be single for the rest of my life
-no one will want be because i'm not thin
-if i was thin more guys would talk me
-if a guy did talk to me i wondered why he was interested in me...i mean didn't he notice that i wasn't skinny? (yes, he noticed that you aren't a stick and obviously he was okay with that because he still talked to you)
-all the guys that talked to me would eventually stop when they realized how chubby i was and i was lucky that someone was even interested in me

I mean at times I would feel so lonely and helpless and its pains me to think that I ever thought that way. I am thankful I am past that point in my life -- as I read it over it doesn't even make any sense to me. My time is here I know that much. I say that because I used to always say that my time is coming because I was always waiting for something more...like I couldn't live my life until I lost the right amount of weight but I realize now that life was passing me by all along and I wasn't living it. I just wasn't present for it. I kept looking for what the future was gonna be like...all the while ignoring the present. I'm DONE with that. I am good enough for ANY man to want me and just because someone is interested in me doesn't me I have to fall on my knees and thank my lucky stars what I need to do is figure out if I am interested in THEM...something that I never do. I deserve better than that. Just like I deserve to put healthier foods into my body and exercise more. Just like I deserve all the cute clothes I am finally able to start wearing.

I am never giving up. I'm never stopping. And I am going to stop counting myself out in every ones eyes before they can do it to me. I always place myself out of the equation before anybody can do it for me. NO MORE! There may always be someone with a better shoulders, a tighter tummy, or a more toned thighs but no one on this planet has MY personality or my face and that is what makes me original. The reason I don't really have any guy friends is because I always start liking them first and then after I know they don't like me I start to distance myself and figure why would they want to be friends with little chubby ol' me? Um hello!!! EVERYONE would wanna be friends with me (well maybe lol)! Because I am the bomb dot com and from now on I am going to give 100% to this process so I can get 100% of the results and I will treat myself like the great person I am. I have come to peace with that fact that because of my short stature I will always be a little chubby and you know what I'M okay with that...and that's the whole point. This is all about me. About ME being okay with ME.

From this day forward I pledge to give everything I've got to finally getting healthy for good by the beginning of August 2011 and I will let my confidence shine like I'm 135 (got start practicing) until I get there :) Which wont' be long...

Sometimes you have to encourage yourself.

Encourage Yourself is a gospel song that I heard not too long ago. And it really rings true to me right now. I can have a million cheerleaders in my corner but the most important person in my corner has to be me. I have let myself go recently...it seems as if every time I make progress I have to back pedal and I hate it. It's like once I reach my miniature goal I have to sabotage myself and I am OVER it! I am starting over right now and I am not stopping. Graduation is just weeks away and I have so many amazing things to look forward to after this....summer is just around the corner. And I want to be able to wear a cute swimsuit dammit! I always try to get in shape over the summer but I want to be in shape when the summer starts!! If I turn my attitude around things can change right now. I realized that its not even the tools I have in front of me like the gym or a fridge full of healthy foods it is all about my attitude. When I am feeling good and motivated and focused all of my tools work together....but when I don't I can skip the gym day after day and I can bypass my spinach and baked chicken in my fridge for a chipotle burrito. It is ALL about my attitude -- it is about being my OWN cheerleader. I am worth all of the energy it takes to accomplish this goal and I truly believe that all is not lost and that my visions of being healthy and fit are not as far off as I have always imagined.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am starting FRESH! Not recognizing past failures or the fact that the last two weeks have been a complete bust for me. I am not going to use the scale to validate how I feel about myself.

So here's the plan....I'm going back to doing things how I was doing them before. Basically the Suzanne Somers diet with my own twists (which worked for me before) I am going to be exercising 5 times a week. Monday/Wednesday: 75 mins and Friday/Saturday/Sunday: 90 mins. Mondays I am going to make myself run the mile (lol so hard my best time is 9:08 I think??) and my attitude is gonna be 100% BETTER. No time for negativity or self doubt! I've got progress to make!
I am going to weigh myself on May 1st (so about 3 weeks!) and then I'll go and weigh myself right before my graduation (May 22nd) to see what my final number is. I was hoping for 135 but I feel I'll be closer to 140-145 range. Hopefully 140!! I was 150 before spring break but after two failed weeks I am sure I've probably gained a few pounds but I'm not gonna weigh myself and I'm gonna keep pushing because I don't really need to know if I gained two pounds back....all that is gonna do is discourage me....and I'm DONE with that way of thinking. Besides I am gonna take of those two pounds PLUS a whole lot more in the very NEAR future.

On to the next!! Hopefully by May 1st I am around 142-145 :)

I may be the only person reading this blog but for me it is therapeutic so it doesn't even matter!

Spring Break!!

I am having a great time visiting all my family but you know what that means....FOOOD! and lots of it!! I don't think I've turned a single thing down...candy, donuts, pizza, fries, burritos! The works! I really need to calm down because this is what I always do...get down to a good weight and start getting compliments and what not and then I start the sabotage....I stop watching what I'm eating....start slacking on the exercise and before you know it....BLAM!! Gained it back!

Well not this time! I just got here on Thursday and since then I've been having my fun and eating whatever I want but I'm gonna stop all that. For the rest of the week I am going to try to get some from of exercise everyday and I am going to cut back on my eating and act like I've got some sense. I've gotten compliments from 3 family members already since I've been home telling me how good I look....I'm not giving up!!!

I'll check in later :)

150!

Not in the 140s but still very happy :) more later!

Day after tomorrow.

So my official weigh in day is coming up! If I could give myself a grade I would say 100% on the exercise (I have been doing cardio workouts like crazy for two hours a day since Friday) and about a 78-80% on the eating. After the whirlwind weekend of visiting my sister the other weekend I got back on a bad eating streak that was hard for me to kick. It was kinda strange because I would eat good all day and have ONE bad meal but it kept happening like everyday. I realize that if my eating was at least 90% I probably would be farther along in my journey but hey I'm trying and I'm not perfect. Spring break is on the horizon which means a lack of exercise and a LOT of temptation but I am ready for a bit of break. I have been working out like crazy for the almost the last 4 weeks so I want to tone it down a little bit. I used to enjoy going to the gym but I've been going so much lately it feels more like a chore than something to be enjoyed. When I come back I need to work on varying my routine while at the gym and include weight training again (been slackin on that part lol). While on vacation I'm going to make sure that I use portion control, moderation, and stopping when I'm full because I tend to ignore those things whenever I start eating crazy!! I am really hoping to break into the 140s I mean all I need to see to be happy thursday is 149!! Please God...PLEASE. I know I haven't been perfect but I have been working harder and longer then I have in the past. I really need this to help motivate me to do more. I mean graduation is not too far off....I need to make some progress!! (I say this after I had Jack in the Box for dinner...I got a small everything though. Small drink and small fry!!) We shall see what the scale says :) Cross your fingers...

Eh...

Well I was doing amazing. But then? I went to visit my sister in LA and my one bad meal for the week turned into 3 days of: Cheesecake Factory, Starbucks, Bucca Di Beppo, Tommy's, Panda Express, and Crumbs (a cupcake shop). I was BAD!! :( I've been doing so amazing up until now and I really hope that this wont undue all the hard work I've done over the last 2 weeks. I've decided I am really going to kick it into high gear this week, I only have a little over week and a half until I go home for spring break and I weigh myself on the 24th. I know tomorrow the week will start and I am going to get on back on track but I just hope that I won't have to do too much damage control ... well at least I dont know how much I weighed before I left so I will never know if I gained weight this weekend lol Gotta find some silver lining. The main thing is that its time for me to get back on the grind because I love the way I have been feeling lately and the way my clothes have been fitting (I bought two new shirts at Forever 21! One was a SMALL....it must run big!! lol) and I refuse to stop so this next week and a half is going to be nose to the grindstone!

Homesick.

So obviously this has nothing to do with my weight but I'm homesick :( -- I go to school in Southern California but I'm really from Northern California and I am really ready for a break from school and my roommates. Someone remind me why I decided to live with 3 other women?? Please??? Hanging on to my sanity is a daily occupation :| I find myself becoming annoyed with people because they are there and not because of anything they have done. Or things that didn't use to bother me too much (people taking a crappy tone with me because they are stressed or having a bad day or when my actual roommate hogs the bathroom at all times of the day) are driving me NUTS! I want to get out of this friggen apartment before I strangle someone. Me and my immediate roommate have had issues before (this is when we didn't even live with one another)so I am just trying to make it through this year drama free but I really need a break from her before I strangle her as she snores up a storm in the middle of the night! Sigh...I wish I could just go home to MY house and be with my grandparents...in my home....in my room...my bed....my bathroom....where I could kiss and hug them goodnight EVERY night instead of saying it over the phone (I was basically raised by them so I love them TO DEATH). I know I am feeling like this because I am getting so close to graduating but sometimes I feel so over it all, like when will this whole undergrad thing be over? But I know deep down I'll miss it.

So as for weight things are going pretty good. I have been to the gym everyday this week and I have been hitting my calorie burn and my soreness has even gone away so my workouts aren't so painful anymore. My eating has been pretty good -- I've been planning my cheat meals in advance and its only a MEAL rather than a cheat day. Last week I had nachos at a basketball game and this week I am visiting my sister in Los Angeles so we are going to get a cheeseburger and fries and I'm having a cupcake!! I am super excited because I haven't had any form of sweets in almost two week so this will be a nice treat. I am bringing my workout clothes so we can get in some form of exercise while I'm there and I am hitting the gym everyday until Friday to make sure that I stay on track. I really hope I'm losing weight. I mean I'm doing everything that I promised I would do and I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job at it but my fear is I'll get on the scale and I'll only have lost like 1 pound or something. REALLY hope that doesn't happen. If so I guess I am just stuck at this size because there is nothing more than I can do. I have gone to gym everyday since Friday last week, I mean I have been on my GRIND so math-wise this just has to work. I've been trying to look at my body and I know I am being impatient because I want to see instant change....I get disappointed because my stomach feels like it looks just as big and my clothes basically feel the same but granted it has only been like a week and half and in another 2 and 1/2 I will probably look and feel a little different than I do now but its hard when you feel like you've been trying to lose weight all your life. I am so tired of my whole life revolving around weight loss....its mentally exhausting. I will stay motivated though because I am so anxious to finally weigh myself on the 24th (by then it will have been about 3 and a half weeks) to see if I have broken back into the 140s (somewhere I haven't been since my sophomore year of high school). Keepin my fingers crossed...

Going strong: The Cards are Stacked

So this is week one completed of my new weight loss plan and I'd say so far so good. I eat salad at least once a day, have been drinking tons of water, and hit the gym 5 times this week. I have stayed away from the scale (since I won't be weighing myself until the 24th) and I am trying to rely on what I FEEL rather than what the scale SAYS...although it is scary because there is this huge fear that I am going to work my butt off and then when I weigh myself its going to say I am only down two pounds after 3 and half weeks of working hard (hey its happened before)...but I'll just have to wait and see (and PRAY!! lol). Yesterday was the first time that I let myself have a freebie -- I went to a basketball game at my college and I indulged in some nachos...and it was funny because I was pinning for these nachos all week but once I had them I felt they were just okay...not bad just nothing to write home about. I mean I would have rather have had a baked pork chop and some asparagus instead -- I ate about half of the nachos (which was actually a lot) and threw the rest away and didn't eat again for the rest of the night. Since I felt bad about eating the nachos I came home and did a little dance exercise for about 35 minutes. I realize I didn't work off the nachos but it felt good to know that I at least worked hard enough to burn 100 calories.

Another thing I've been doing is watching every weight loss show possible. I watch the biggest loser and then I bought a season of the show for my iphone and I watch that while working out at the gym. The other night I was watching heavy, I just finished watching the finale of I used to be fat and now I've started watching shedding for the wedding, lol. I am determined to remain motivated throughout this thing. I don't have the time to not be motivated I graduate in 77 days and I've got to make this happen!! I WILL NOT FAIL THIS TIME! I refuse to become accustom to losing! I realize I am the type of person who not only needs a pep talk everyday but I need a pep talk throughout the day. Everyday I have been talking to myself, telling myself how much this whole thing means to me, how good it feels to be healthy, how far I have come, and how far I am going to go. I can't wait for the day when I don't have to stuff my stomach into my pants and I instead can just slide my pants over it. Its hard because you want to get there so fast but it takes time, sigh, but I know if I stick with what I'm doing I will see a change! I am changing for good and there is NO going back. Not only do I want to be hot, healthy, and happy for graduation but I also have a trip to Maui at the end of the summer and the excitement of starting my new life in Washington, DC. I'd say the cards are stacked in my favor ;)

New Attitude

Okay so last night I called my best friend and I decided that I needed to make a new plan to get me out of this rut and this stupid 5 pound gain-loss that I am constantly stuck on. I am OVER it! I have officially 83 days until I graduate from college and all my family and friends are going to be there! I have this dream of buying this kick ass dress for my dinner and a separate one for my graduation. I mean this is a major photo op where I refuse to take pictures "in my zone" aka my boobs up :|. If I was ever going to come through and make good on a weight loss goal now is the time! I realize that I am the kind of person who needs a pep talk on the daily especially when I become tempted because after that all of my rationale goes flying out the window! So my new plan will include the food combing basis of Suzanne Somers but instead of following the detox and diet to the tee I am going to put in normal foods here and there -- this way I don't feel as if I am on a diet. I have to start thinking of this thing as a lifestyle change instead of a quick fix to lose weight. Part of my new plan is not to weigh myself until March 24th (which is the day I am flying home for spring break) and I hope to weigh at least 150 (my stretch goal is 145) which means I need to lose about 6 - 11 pounds (I'm about 156 right now). I am so excited to get my butt into gear. I am calling it my own March Madness! Today went well I had a smoothie for breakfast, a bacon, egg, cheese sandwich for lunch, and two pieces of baked chicken with mac n cheese, and peas. I've been drinking a really good amount of water too. I would rate my eating today as a solid B (85% I guess? lol)so I am really hoping I can finally challenge myself to fully commit to this change once and for all!

Hmmm

So some strange but good things have happened today. First off I got in to GRAD SCHOOOL!!! In DC (my dream location) and I am so excited. Of course this brings along some stress as I figure out how I am gonna pay for it (to which my dad made it clear that hes not gonna help -- but he did help pay for undergrad so I can't complain) and prepare to move away from my family but its well worth it because I have committed to change and that just doesn't include my weight. So now for the strange...today my sister tells me thats she's worried about me and my "yo-yo" dieting. Um, excuse me? First off my sister has been thin her whole life and just recently gained a whooping FIFTEEN pounds in the last few months and now she thinks she's a fitness and nutrition guru. Now in my opinion "yo-yo" dieting would mean that I was gaining and losing the same 20 - 30 pounds over and over (which would be bad for my 5 foot 2 frame)in a small frame of time and cause my heart to work overtime. All I do is fluctuate between the same 5 pounds...she was trying to make it seem as if had some kind of disorder or something. And she never cared about me and my dieting before until she started trying to lose weight. Where have you been for the past 9 years??? She made it seem like I was an extreme because I would eat bad and then go to gym for an extra hour to work it off. So? I actually ENJOY exercise so if I go for 2 hours at the gym sometimes its not a punishment its something I ENJOY!! And I don't go for 2 hours everyday! I go 2 hours like once a week if that! Most time I go to the gym 4 times a week for 75 - 90 mins. Is that so awful? Whats wrong with wanting to go harder at the gym after you had a late night burrito to feel better? I am not exercising to the point of vomiting, dizziness, or extreme exertion. I don't understand how someone can try and make you feel bad about something your doing thats good? She said shes been in to fitness and nutrition for a while but shes never acted on it (she's a junk food junkie...or was anyways...now shes a vegetarian/vegan all of a sudden -- like within the last TWO weeks ) but I was still put off by her "concern". I didn't bite her head off or anything but I was really shocked. I could see if I really did have a problem but I don't and maybe she thinks I had an issue because I would always talk to her when I ate badly or she'd catch me on the way to the gym for a workout to make up for my slip up from the day before. And I seem to remember her chowing down on tons of awful food and not exercising at all and somehow me trying to eat better and exercise with the occasional slip up is "yo-yo" dieting? And even if I was I would have been yo-yo dieting for all of a month since we just started talking about weight (which we never did until SHE had weight problems) Sorry I just had to vent. I need to learn to stop letting what people say affect me so much...people will say one thing and I will obsess over it. I need to stop. At the end of the day I am living for me and I need to stop being so worried about what everyone else is saying and doing if its going to have a negative affect on me.
Thanks for listening :)

Hides Head in Shame..

So now comes the time where I need to be taken out back and shot! Where have I been? Where the hell have I been? I don't even know. A quick update will tell you that I weigh around 156, 157. Not awful but when you look and see that my last weight was 155 in October and the fact that I still haven't lost any weight since then is a bit depressing. Hell I am ALMOST happy with one 156ish because over my winter vacation I gained back to 160 (or 162 according to the scale at my doctor's office) and when I got back to school in mid-January I was so enthused to start anew! I was eating out way too much last semester and never really got focused about my goals as I got closer to winter break. Imagine my shock when into mid-feb I had only lost TWO friggen pounds! TWO! Now take into account that I was doing things that I rarely do. I was exercising 4 days a week for at least an hour, I was using portion control, food moderation, stopping when I was full...I wasn't even becoming a slave to the scale and I wasn't losing weight. After becoming frustrated and having a mini meltdown I decided to get back on the Suzanne Somers diet that I had done over the summer. And I did it for 4 days and was already back to 155....154.5 even!! But then I went to visit my cousin in college for a family weekend and I ate non STOP. No surprise I get back and the scale says 160 :( So I decide to get right back on the diet....well not right back....I had a pity party for two days and then got back on but I got back to around 156, 157 but something about me still feels unsettled. I mean the diet bores me I've been eating the same 3 food off and on for two weeks and its killing me. I know I am just setting myself up for sabotage because my boredom with the food makes it feel like I have excuse to eat off the plan. (As I sit guilty after consuming my 1230 calories Rubios quesadilla). Why the hell can't I get it together? I have two and a half months until my graduation, this is like my ULTIMATE time to shine. I mean it is so important to me and I want nothing more than to weigh 135 pounds by that time but I am starting to feel so far away and part of me is feeling like the only way for me to lose weight is to do this Suzanne Somers thing because when I tried it my way (and believe me I tried) it DIDN'T work. I am ashamed to say that it actually scared me a little because usually I will half ass on eating healthy and exercising and so I when I don't lose weight I know it because I wasn't giving it 100% but this time I really was. Sigh I dont know but I need to take a look at the situation and evaluate it quickly because I'm running out of time and I refuse to miss another deadline. I know that for the rest of my life I will NEVER stop trying to lose weight so thats why I want to go ahead and do the damn thing because I will never be happy until I do. I intend to write on my blog A LOT more frequently because I need to be held accountable and it feels really good to talk to people who know what I'm feeling.

And like I said....I'm not giving up. Not ever....hopefully tomorrow will offer up some enlightenment.