Fear No More

I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’m not gonna be able to keep this up. Losing weight has been more than amazing, for once I feel like I’m actually doing something beneficial for myself. I haven’t felt this good about myself in a long time. But there is always that nagging fear that I won’t be able to keep it up. That eventually I will slip back into bad habits and this good feeling we’ll be nothing more than a mere memory a few months from now. I have GOT to stop that from happening. I refuse to have this feeling be short lived – it just feels TOO damn good. I don’t know what I would do without it. I don’t want to start over from scratch anymore. And you know what I notice about myself? I usually begin to fall back into old habits right before I set a deadline or the event comes up that I was trying to get in shape for. Now I don’t know if this is self-sabotage or if I set up a goal that is wayyy to strenuous therefore setting myself up for failure from the start – all I know is that it stops here. I have been boo-hooing about trying to lose weight since I was 13, I’m almost 22! I refuse to spend any more time whining over something that I can change! I have ALL the control. All this time I have had the control, in fact I think that is what makes it worse because when you fail you have no one to blame but yourself. If you miss a workout it’s your fault... if you pick up that double bacon cheeseburger when you told yourself that you were going to get that salad then it’s YOUR fault. It’s time to take some responsibility. Whose fault is it that I am overweight? MINE but the upside to that is who can change this and help me become healthy and in shape? ME! I’m sorry but sometimes I need a good ole pep talk and right now is a crucial time for me. I could fall off the wagon or I can cling on to the back of it for dear life. And I’ve decided…*drum roll please* to cling on!!! There is NO way I can go back to the way things were. See that would be easy…to give up. But you know what would be hard? Sticking with it. That would be a challenge. And usually being the coward that I am I run away from/avoid challenges but this is one challenge, this is one fight that I refuse to give up on. This is not a battle…this is a full-fledged war. And I am taking down the enemy: low self esteem + unhealthiness. Say bye bye!! Yes I know this sounds crazy cheesy but cheesy is what works sometimes, you have to admit. I want to use all of my anger from wasted years and spill tears to propel me into reaching my goal. I DESERVE this more than anybody. So I’m gonna take what I DESERVE! I’m tired of being afraid….for once? I’m gonna be happy J

161.

So now I'm at 161 pounds. Not horrible, not amazing. But not nearly where I planned to be at this stage. Vacation is a week from today and I've only lost two pounds since I've come home for the summer. Which is great because I haven't gained but I really have got to put some speed on this, I have the rest of July and August and I want to be around 150 pounds. 11 more pounds to go! I exercised yesterday....an hour long Jillian Michaels tape and I also went for a hike :) but today I slacked off, did nothing, annnnnd had Chipotle for dinner (it was a burrito bowl though!) I just wished I had accomplished more in the time that I had but I guess if I want to lose weight and keep it off than I need to loose it slowly....but this slow? Time to get re-motivated and kick things BACK into high gear. Well I'm off....just wanted to give a small update. I know its been a while. Hopefully next time I'll be saying I'm 157, or 155. I would love to get back into the 150s!! Until next time :)