The Dreaded Popular Girl

You know her. Love her. Hate her. Love to hate her. The Popular Girl. And you know whats worse about them in college? They're actually good people! For example this one girl at my school seems perfect! She is pretty, dresses nicely, and is super sweet without seeming fake! And even worse she's smart too! (She was in one of my classes). I'm like where is your downfall? I'm not saying she has to have a downfall...but you know....wheres the catch? And she's friends with EVERYONE it seems: athletes, nerds, cute guys, freshman kids, random people...EVERYONE! She would be someone who I always wanted to model my life after, you know instead of actually living my own. But like I said DONE with that. While I can note the fact that she is a cool chick, well so am I. And as I start jumping back into my life I'm only become cooler :) This is short I know but just a random thought while I was surfing facebook, lol

You Gotta Start Somewhere.

I have a blog. Wow. I have a blog thats not on Myspace. Yes yes. When Myspace was at its highest height I had a blog -- and people read it too! But then Myspace died...as did my blog. But now? I'm back! Okay so the title of my blog Stop Riding The Bench. Start Living Life. means exactly what it says. You have to start living. Do you ever wonder when exactly it was that you stepped off the field and on to the sidelines? And once you've realized you've been benched it seems impossible to get back in the game. I'm only 21 but I feel for the last 8 years of my life I've been riding the bench, I'm wayyyy too young to feel like this! Its almost as if once I hit 13 the whole game shifted. Boys, weight, and shopping became way more important than board games and sleepovers with your best friends. And somewhere along the way I got lost, in fact for years I didn't realize that I was watching my life and not actually living it. I think the key thing was I didn't feel confident then... and I still don't now. My problem was that I would look at other peoples' lives in hopes that I could model my own after it...I spent all my time planning who I wanted to become instead of enjoying who I was. Looking back at my high school years I can see just how much I missed because I refused to take action in my own life. For example, I may not be thin but I really like to run and in school I wasn't too bad at it, I never even THOUGHT about trying out for the track team though. I also enjoyed acting and while I took a couple of acting classes I never actually tried out for a school play. Things I regret now. I was so uninspired at that time. And yeah you may say that was high school you're in college now but I still haven't exactly exorcised this demon. In college it has been a different problem, I wanted to join groups and I planned to join them but I never did. Not to say I'm not a part of any organizations on campus now (I am a Junior) but there we're a few (like the drama club) that I am still too afraid to take part in. Why am I saying all this? Because I want to CHANGE.

I am someone who is used to denying myself things. I would tell myself that I would join the drama club after I lost some weight and gained some confidence or I would strike up a conversation with the cute guy next to me in class once I lost 20 more pounds and bought a new outfit. I didn't deserve it now, I wasn't ready now. I needed to wait. And you know what waiting has done for me? Nothing. I've been waiting to live my life since I was 13 and in a way I still feel 13...anxiously awaiting my chance at life when its been here all the while and I've been wasting it! If you can't tell a very LARGE (no pun intended) part of the reason why I don't have the best self-esteem or confidence is because I'm overweight. By my BMI standards I need to lose about 35-40 pounds (stupid BMI!!Grr!). I've denied myself opportunity after opportunity and chance after chance because I was waiting for the right time to "start" my life. You know that time where I would be 40 pounds lighter, with longer hair, a new wardrobe, new cell phone, a new job, new mindset and I would blow everyone away with my beauty and brains. Well that never happened...and since it never happened I never got that new jump start to my life. Every year it was the same story...this year was gonna be MY year, this year it was MY turn, this year I was gonna reinvent MYself...every this year mentality I have had has turned into last year's garbage. I don't want to look up 8 more years from now at the age of 29 and say the same thing about "this year is MY year". Why can't every year be MY year? Why do I have to wait for a turn? I beginning to understand that I don't. All those plans? They we're just excuses because I was too afraid to change. I would put all my hopes into a new school year or an actual new year and when it didn't work out I would just postpone my "changes" to the next year. Well NO MORE! I'm done with waiting. I'm not a patient person as is and this whole waiting for 8 years thing is really crampin my style. I'm done with the B.S, the hurt, the pain, the confusion, and the excuses. I AM going to make a change.

If you can bear with me I intend to take you on this journey of change with me. Sharing in my wins and losses and figuring out how I got here in the first place! Prepare for some moaning and groaning and a few whining sessions but also prepare for some motivation and some challenges that might help you on your journey as well. Writing is therapeutic for me and maybe this will be the thing that finally pushes me into actually changing...I mean if you all are watching me I can't let you down can I? :)