153. Well I think.

See I have this problem. I only want to write when I'm doing well. I don't like to write about my shortcomings. Which I have a lot of. So I think I'm 153 because when I weighed myself last it was on the scale at my actual house but now that I'm back in school I'm using the scale here and it says I weigh 153. Well I DID anyway. I've been eating like crazy. Pizza...Wingstop. Lots and LOTS of Wingstop. (at least once a week) and I don't know. I feel like I start to do well and then....sabatoge. And the thing is not only do a look better as I'm losing more and more weight but I feel better so its kind of like why wouldn't I continue doing right and losing weight? Honestly it doesn't make sense but I get off track anyway. I always get back on track but its tiring having to clean up and fix the damage instead of being able to just keep moving. I think about how far I could have been if I just stuck to what I said I was gonna do. I could have been healthy and fit 10 times over by now! And while I DON'T want to focus on past failures I DO want to make sure that I learn from them. I'm doing better then I have in a really long time and I do eventually see myself of making my ultimate goal of 136 but I wanted to be more motivated. I was hoping to be 145 by the time I go home for Thanksgiving but at the slow rate I'm going it seems I'll be lucky if I even get to 150! At times I get this idea in my mind that I don't really want to lose weight and that I'll be happy with myself if I don't but honestly? I won't be. I can't be. Because I know I can do better and I know I can be MUCH healthier than I am at my age.

I have this idea in my mind. I just want perfection. I want to be the a nice healthy weight that enables me to wear cute clothes. I want to wear makeup everyday and accessorize. I want to be spiritually and religiously together. I want to go to grad school. I want my iTunes to be organized! (lol, random I know). I want to have my own cute little studio apartment thats decorated all sweet and girly. I want a boyfriend. A REAL man. With a job! I want someone who I would be proud for my family to meet. I want everything to just fall into place. Is that so bad? sigh. I mean things aren't bad right now. In fact they are really good but they could be going better and I could be doing more.

I'm attempting to get my head in the game this weekend. We shall see...

155.

Happy Happy Joy Joy! More to come later :)

158!

I have FINALLY....FINALLLYYYYY gotten out of the 60s and into the 50s!! I go back to school in about two and half weeks and my goal is to shed 8 pounds by then so I can reach 150. Yes I know that sounds like a lot of weigh in a lot of time buuuut I am on this Suzanne Somers diet with my family. The last week we have all been following this get skinny on fabulous food diet and I lost 4 pounds! This diet is HARD! I mean there are SOOO many things I miss but when I think of all the things I have to gain it makes it that much easier. This is like a two week thing and then you go into phase 2. Well instead of phase 2 I'm going to create my own phase -- which will consist of cutting back, moderation, stopping when full, and portion control. That way I can eat the things I ADORE like burgers, fries, pizza, and ice cream while maintaining my weight loss. I KNOW I can do this. I've turned down SOOO many treats this week. There were TWO dessert parties at work this week, we had sushi at the office (I can't eat white rice) and I've been out to dinner/lunch 3 times in the last week but through everything I've managed to stay true even though I have done my fair share of complaining....my family has noted this. But seeing that scale change from 162 to 158 in about a week has totally put me in a different state of mind. I mean trust I'm gonna get downnnnnn the first minute this thing is over.....FOR that meal but then after that I'm gonna keep my composure. I mean I don't have to keep eating this strictly because I don't need to lose more weight after the two weeks of phase one. For me I like to lose 8 to 10 pounds and then work on maintaing that for a period of time, stabilizing myself and my eating and then I like to lose the next 8 to 10 pounds. SOOOO happppppy....floating on AIIIIR! I hope to weigh in next week with some even MORE exciting news. I know this is short but I just wanted to keep you updated!!

Fear No More

I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’m not gonna be able to keep this up. Losing weight has been more than amazing, for once I feel like I’m actually doing something beneficial for myself. I haven’t felt this good about myself in a long time. But there is always that nagging fear that I won’t be able to keep it up. That eventually I will slip back into bad habits and this good feeling we’ll be nothing more than a mere memory a few months from now. I have GOT to stop that from happening. I refuse to have this feeling be short lived – it just feels TOO damn good. I don’t know what I would do without it. I don’t want to start over from scratch anymore. And you know what I notice about myself? I usually begin to fall back into old habits right before I set a deadline or the event comes up that I was trying to get in shape for. Now I don’t know if this is self-sabotage or if I set up a goal that is wayyy to strenuous therefore setting myself up for failure from the start – all I know is that it stops here. I have been boo-hooing about trying to lose weight since I was 13, I’m almost 22! I refuse to spend any more time whining over something that I can change! I have ALL the control. All this time I have had the control, in fact I think that is what makes it worse because when you fail you have no one to blame but yourself. If you miss a workout it’s your fault... if you pick up that double bacon cheeseburger when you told yourself that you were going to get that salad then it’s YOUR fault. It’s time to take some responsibility. Whose fault is it that I am overweight? MINE but the upside to that is who can change this and help me become healthy and in shape? ME! I’m sorry but sometimes I need a good ole pep talk and right now is a crucial time for me. I could fall off the wagon or I can cling on to the back of it for dear life. And I’ve decided…*drum roll please* to cling on!!! There is NO way I can go back to the way things were. See that would be easy…to give up. But you know what would be hard? Sticking with it. That would be a challenge. And usually being the coward that I am I run away from/avoid challenges but this is one challenge, this is one fight that I refuse to give up on. This is not a battle…this is a full-fledged war. And I am taking down the enemy: low self esteem + unhealthiness. Say bye bye!! Yes I know this sounds crazy cheesy but cheesy is what works sometimes, you have to admit. I want to use all of my anger from wasted years and spill tears to propel me into reaching my goal. I DESERVE this more than anybody. So I’m gonna take what I DESERVE! I’m tired of being afraid….for once? I’m gonna be happy J

161.

So now I'm at 161 pounds. Not horrible, not amazing. But not nearly where I planned to be at this stage. Vacation is a week from today and I've only lost two pounds since I've come home for the summer. Which is great because I haven't gained but I really have got to put some speed on this, I have the rest of July and August and I want to be around 150 pounds. 11 more pounds to go! I exercised yesterday....an hour long Jillian Michaels tape and I also went for a hike :) but today I slacked off, did nothing, annnnnd had Chipotle for dinner (it was a burrito bowl though!) I just wished I had accomplished more in the time that I had but I guess if I want to lose weight and keep it off than I need to loose it slowly....but this slow? Time to get re-motivated and kick things BACK into high gear. Well I'm off....just wanted to give a small update. I know its been a while. Hopefully next time I'll be saying I'm 157, or 155. I would love to get back into the 150s!! Until next time :)

The Train: Chugging Along

163 it is. Nothing has really changed. My train is...chugging along. Well more like a stand still. I'm not really gaining and not really losing. I mean I might gain a pound or two but then the next few days I'll lose a pound or two. The strange thing is that I haven't lost my motivation but it's just kind of cooled off a little. I really do want to get in shape. Could you imagine going to a doctor's appointment and not freaking out when they say their gonna weigh you? Yeah thats the kind of in shape I'm looking for. I've made up a new plan for myself called plan 13 (2.0 version) -- basically the part two of my original plan 13 I told you about before...my ultimate goal is to lose 13 pounds (hopefully more!) by July 21st so that I can get down to 150. I have a wedding to go to on the East coast and I'll be seeing a lot of people that I haven't seen since I was close to 180 pounds and I really want it to be one of those things where people see you and go wow! I've never been the wow girl...I want to be the wow girl...I NEED to be the wow girl at least that one time. So I guess that should be my new motivation. I mean I'll need a wow -worthy dress for the wedding and everyone knows that the East coast in the summer time is HOT so I'll need to be fit so I can do the whole t-shirt and shorts combo -- hell if I get in shape enough I might even want to go swimming when I'm over there. I've also started a new commitment where I plan to look nice everyday. I know this may sound strange to some of you but I used to have the low self-esteem dress bad syndrome and I didn't treat myself the way I deserved to be treated. I started work today and I dressed up and people noticed! They were so used to me with my hair pulled into a bun with plain black paints and lackluster shirt that they we're surprised to see me with my hair down, makeup on, and a dress with sparkly sandals -- it felt good to look good. And while the amount of cute guys at my job is pretty close to zero you never know who you might find lumbering around the mail room after lunch ;) (true story -- saw this REALLY cute mail guy once but I looked like hell so I avoided him and dressed nice the next day hoping for a glance and never saw him again...) so regardless of size I've been keeping up with looking nice. And now with plan 13 2.0 in effect my motivation is sure to be regenerated...keep your fingers crossed!

Realize When It's Time For A Pep Talk

So yesterday I sounded all hunky-doory. I know. Well I have had a minor set back this morning....So last time I weighed myself (Sunday) I was 160 pounds...yaay for the 10 pounds...well today I made the mistake of weighing myself. BAD IDEA. You see this week is week five and the last week of the whole 13 pounds plan thing. So why when I got on the scale did it say 161... 161!! I'm supposed to be 158 on the way to 157!! Not a pound HEAVIER! Now this could be just water weight but then I made another mistake. I weighed myself this afternoon again just to see if anything changed and it did...it went up to 163!! WTF!!! ARGH! I was two steps from having a meltdown -- well I kind of did -- I had to order pizza hut to calm down...yes I know that makes no sense but I told you I was struggling with this whole food part of the plan. The thing that really threw me off is that yes I may have been eating bad this week but I was working out just as much as I was eating bad so why did it say I gained? Argh....I love how it comes to my deadline and I drop the ball. But now I've decided to override my freakout mode by accepting the fact that I'm not perfect and sometimes we don't always make our deadline and you know what? Thats okay. I still lost 10 pounds (though it fluctuated today) and I have been working my ass off! They always say that you don't appreciate something unless you have to work hard for it. And I have the summer to take some more pounds off -- I just hate falling short of my goal but I will NOT punish myself. I still have done a tremendous job and I will continue to do so. In just these past few weeks my self-esteem has risen and I've actually been excited about clothes shopping. Heres the difference between me today and me five weeks ago....the old me would fall off the bandwagon now give up, get a carton of ice cream, and pack the pounds right back on. But NOT today and NOT on my watch!! Yes I had my little pity party today but tomorrow I am right BACK to business. The only person standing in my way is me, my biggest obstacle is me...I've come to far to start back sliding now...I've had a taste of success and I am not willing to let it go! In the next few weeks I plan to go out buy some more clothes, more makeup, get my nails and hair done, and start putting effort into the way I look everyday so that I can enjoy the way that I look. Its not just about weight its about the effort and satisfaction that you have with your appearance so it can reflect the great person you are inside. I want to feel beautiful everyday....because I am :) I've got plans and I'm not gonna let one bum week steal away everything I've worked so hard for. More motivated than ever. Good pep talk -- only rivaled by my grandma and my aunt!

Lucky # 13

Okay so I realize that it seems that I have been ignoring my blogging duties but in reality guess what I've been doing? Losing Weight! Yes, you read me right :) 10 pounds to be exact. And you know what? It feels AMAZING!! I haven't felt this good in a long time. So what was my motivation this time? It was strange....it was the number 13. Now before you stop reading and say this girl is tooooo weird for me to follow let me explain. 13 is my favorite number, no I don't know why and yes I know it is traditionally an unlucky number and I don't know maybe thats what made me choose it. But for as long as I can remember it has always been my favorite number. A while ago I made a promise to myself that I would lose 15 pounds before I went back home for the summer. Well that promise lasted for all of 9 days before it was spiltsville. Since I was about a week behind schedule I made a new plan to lose 13 pounds (2 less pounds than 15 since I missed a week) and for some reason it stuck this time. In fact I could tell there was something different about this time when on the very first day of my plan (after I worked out for 90 minutes at the gym) I went to the beach with friends and everybody wanted to go to Fatburger...and you know what? To you're and my surprise I actually turned it down. Thats right I sat there while my friends ate burgers and fries right in front of me and I didn't have ONE SINGLE BITE. You don't even realize how difficult that was for me!!! Especially on the first day of a weight plan...its the easiest day to fall off -- at least for me it is. So once I did that things picked up, I have made it to the gym 4 to 5 times a week EVERY week and I have been eating better (still have my hardships in that department, its a process though!). You know what propelled my weight loss motivation even more? My grandma called me about a week into my plan and she suggested that I go on Weight Watchers over the summer. She said that I could do it and when I came back to school people wouldn't recognize me. Man when she said that it was ON! I knew that I COULD NOT FAIL. Me and my grandma have gone back and forth about my weight for about the last 6 years and it has been hell. She just doesn't get it, weight loss is like religion -- its personal. She would tell me things like I needed to lose more weight and she offered to buy me appetite suppressants. She kept treating me like I weighed 300 pounds or something when the most I EVER weighed was 180! She would keep saying it was for health concerns and that I understand but she would poke and prod and she made me nervous to eat in front of her at times like she was watching me. Now don't get me wrong my gram is not some evil woman who rationed my meals and called me fat or anything. She was honestly trying to help but she just didn't understand that if you've never been overweight then you just don't UNDERSTAND and you never will. I used to get upset when she would say things about my weight but that day when she told me about Weight Watchers I listened and I didn't get upset. Little did she know that I had a plan of my own. Now I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Whatever but with me I have to motivate myself from within. I have to lose the weight when I'm ready and if I wasn't ready than I could be on Weight Watchers for months and not lose any weight. I wanted to do this on my own terms and make it as simple as possible. Eat more healthy foods and workout more. And it actually worked out....still is. 10 pounds down and my goal for this week is 3 more....cross your fingers :) I have something to prove this time, I can't wait to get home and show her that I stuck to my guns and lost the weight MY way at my OWN pace and that she needs to just fall back and let me do this on my own even though I do respect and appreciate her concern. I'm taking it slowly and I don't know how much weight I will lose but I DO know that I feel great and I look even better. I've never stuck to a weight loss plan for this long...5 weeks may seem short but for me its legendary. I've started buying myself all of the things I would have denied myself 10 pounds ago....now when I see something I like? I buy it (as long as I have the money for it of course) no more waiting!!! I'm so excited for the summer time...I have some major things coming up and I'm planning to lose more weight. I promise to update more than I have been. Things are going really well now and I'm thankful :)

The Dreaded Popular Girl

You know her. Love her. Hate her. Love to hate her. The Popular Girl. And you know whats worse about them in college? They're actually good people! For example this one girl at my school seems perfect! She is pretty, dresses nicely, and is super sweet without seeming fake! And even worse she's smart too! (She was in one of my classes). I'm like where is your downfall? I'm not saying she has to have a downfall...but you know....wheres the catch? And she's friends with EVERYONE it seems: athletes, nerds, cute guys, freshman kids, random people...EVERYONE! She would be someone who I always wanted to model my life after, you know instead of actually living my own. But like I said DONE with that. While I can note the fact that she is a cool chick, well so am I. And as I start jumping back into my life I'm only become cooler :) This is short I know but just a random thought while I was surfing facebook, lol

You Gotta Start Somewhere.

I have a blog. Wow. I have a blog thats not on Myspace. Yes yes. When Myspace was at its highest height I had a blog -- and people read it too! But then Myspace died...as did my blog. But now? I'm back! Okay so the title of my blog Stop Riding The Bench. Start Living Life. means exactly what it says. You have to start living. Do you ever wonder when exactly it was that you stepped off the field and on to the sidelines? And once you've realized you've been benched it seems impossible to get back in the game. I'm only 21 but I feel for the last 8 years of my life I've been riding the bench, I'm wayyyy too young to feel like this! Its almost as if once I hit 13 the whole game shifted. Boys, weight, and shopping became way more important than board games and sleepovers with your best friends. And somewhere along the way I got lost, in fact for years I didn't realize that I was watching my life and not actually living it. I think the key thing was I didn't feel confident then... and I still don't now. My problem was that I would look at other peoples' lives in hopes that I could model my own after it...I spent all my time planning who I wanted to become instead of enjoying who I was. Looking back at my high school years I can see just how much I missed because I refused to take action in my own life. For example, I may not be thin but I really like to run and in school I wasn't too bad at it, I never even THOUGHT about trying out for the track team though. I also enjoyed acting and while I took a couple of acting classes I never actually tried out for a school play. Things I regret now. I was so uninspired at that time. And yeah you may say that was high school you're in college now but I still haven't exactly exorcised this demon. In college it has been a different problem, I wanted to join groups and I planned to join them but I never did. Not to say I'm not a part of any organizations on campus now (I am a Junior) but there we're a few (like the drama club) that I am still too afraid to take part in. Why am I saying all this? Because I want to CHANGE.

I am someone who is used to denying myself things. I would tell myself that I would join the drama club after I lost some weight and gained some confidence or I would strike up a conversation with the cute guy next to me in class once I lost 20 more pounds and bought a new outfit. I didn't deserve it now, I wasn't ready now. I needed to wait. And you know what waiting has done for me? Nothing. I've been waiting to live my life since I was 13 and in a way I still feel 13...anxiously awaiting my chance at life when its been here all the while and I've been wasting it! If you can't tell a very LARGE (no pun intended) part of the reason why I don't have the best self-esteem or confidence is because I'm overweight. By my BMI standards I need to lose about 35-40 pounds (stupid BMI!!Grr!). I've denied myself opportunity after opportunity and chance after chance because I was waiting for the right time to "start" my life. You know that time where I would be 40 pounds lighter, with longer hair, a new wardrobe, new cell phone, a new job, new mindset and I would blow everyone away with my beauty and brains. Well that never happened...and since it never happened I never got that new jump start to my life. Every year it was the same story...this year was gonna be MY year, this year it was MY turn, this year I was gonna reinvent MYself...every this year mentality I have had has turned into last year's garbage. I don't want to look up 8 more years from now at the age of 29 and say the same thing about "this year is MY year". Why can't every year be MY year? Why do I have to wait for a turn? I beginning to understand that I don't. All those plans? They we're just excuses because I was too afraid to change. I would put all my hopes into a new school year or an actual new year and when it didn't work out I would just postpone my "changes" to the next year. Well NO MORE! I'm done with waiting. I'm not a patient person as is and this whole waiting for 8 years thing is really crampin my style. I'm done with the B.S, the hurt, the pain, the confusion, and the excuses. I AM going to make a change.

If you can bear with me I intend to take you on this journey of change with me. Sharing in my wins and losses and figuring out how I got here in the first place! Prepare for some moaning and groaning and a few whining sessions but also prepare for some motivation and some challenges that might help you on your journey as well. Writing is therapeutic for me and maybe this will be the thing that finally pushes me into actually changing...I mean if you all are watching me I can't let you down can I? :)