New Attitude

Okay so last night I called my best friend and I decided that I needed to make a new plan to get me out of this rut and this stupid 5 pound gain-loss that I am constantly stuck on. I am OVER it! I have officially 83 days until I graduate from college and all my family and friends are going to be there! I have this dream of buying this kick ass dress for my dinner and a separate one for my graduation. I mean this is a major photo op where I refuse to take pictures "in my zone" aka my boobs up :|. If I was ever going to come through and make good on a weight loss goal now is the time! I realize that I am the kind of person who needs a pep talk on the daily especially when I become tempted because after that all of my rationale goes flying out the window! So my new plan will include the food combing basis of Suzanne Somers but instead of following the detox and diet to the tee I am going to put in normal foods here and there -- this way I don't feel as if I am on a diet. I have to start thinking of this thing as a lifestyle change instead of a quick fix to lose weight. Part of my new plan is not to weigh myself until March 24th (which is the day I am flying home for spring break) and I hope to weigh at least 150 (my stretch goal is 145) which means I need to lose about 6 - 11 pounds (I'm about 156 right now). I am so excited to get my butt into gear. I am calling it my own March Madness! Today went well I had a smoothie for breakfast, a bacon, egg, cheese sandwich for lunch, and two pieces of baked chicken with mac n cheese, and peas. I've been drinking a really good amount of water too. I would rate my eating today as a solid B (85% I guess? lol)so I am really hoping I can finally challenge myself to fully commit to this change once and for all!

Hmmm

So some strange but good things have happened today. First off I got in to GRAD SCHOOOL!!! In DC (my dream location) and I am so excited. Of course this brings along some stress as I figure out how I am gonna pay for it (to which my dad made it clear that hes not gonna help -- but he did help pay for undergrad so I can't complain) and prepare to move away from my family but its well worth it because I have committed to change and that just doesn't include my weight. So now for the strange...today my sister tells me thats she's worried about me and my "yo-yo" dieting. Um, excuse me? First off my sister has been thin her whole life and just recently gained a whooping FIFTEEN pounds in the last few months and now she thinks she's a fitness and nutrition guru. Now in my opinion "yo-yo" dieting would mean that I was gaining and losing the same 20 - 30 pounds over and over (which would be bad for my 5 foot 2 frame)in a small frame of time and cause my heart to work overtime. All I do is fluctuate between the same 5 pounds...she was trying to make it seem as if had some kind of disorder or something. And she never cared about me and my dieting before until she started trying to lose weight. Where have you been for the past 9 years??? She made it seem like I was an extreme because I would eat bad and then go to gym for an extra hour to work it off. So? I actually ENJOY exercise so if I go for 2 hours at the gym sometimes its not a punishment its something I ENJOY!! And I don't go for 2 hours everyday! I go 2 hours like once a week if that! Most time I go to the gym 4 times a week for 75 - 90 mins. Is that so awful? Whats wrong with wanting to go harder at the gym after you had a late night burrito to feel better? I am not exercising to the point of vomiting, dizziness, or extreme exertion. I don't understand how someone can try and make you feel bad about something your doing thats good? She said shes been in to fitness and nutrition for a while but shes never acted on it (she's a junk food junkie...or was anyways...now shes a vegetarian/vegan all of a sudden -- like within the last TWO weeks ) but I was still put off by her "concern". I didn't bite her head off or anything but I was really shocked. I could see if I really did have a problem but I don't and maybe she thinks I had an issue because I would always talk to her when I ate badly or she'd catch me on the way to the gym for a workout to make up for my slip up from the day before. And I seem to remember her chowing down on tons of awful food and not exercising at all and somehow me trying to eat better and exercise with the occasional slip up is "yo-yo" dieting? And even if I was I would have been yo-yo dieting for all of a month since we just started talking about weight (which we never did until SHE had weight problems) Sorry I just had to vent. I need to learn to stop letting what people say affect me so much...people will say one thing and I will obsess over it. I need to stop. At the end of the day I am living for me and I need to stop being so worried about what everyone else is saying and doing if its going to have a negative affect on me.
Thanks for listening :)

Hides Head in Shame..

So now comes the time where I need to be taken out back and shot! Where have I been? Where the hell have I been? I don't even know. A quick update will tell you that I weigh around 156, 157. Not awful but when you look and see that my last weight was 155 in October and the fact that I still haven't lost any weight since then is a bit depressing. Hell I am ALMOST happy with one 156ish because over my winter vacation I gained back to 160 (or 162 according to the scale at my doctor's office) and when I got back to school in mid-January I was so enthused to start anew! I was eating out way too much last semester and never really got focused about my goals as I got closer to winter break. Imagine my shock when into mid-feb I had only lost TWO friggen pounds! TWO! Now take into account that I was doing things that I rarely do. I was exercising 4 days a week for at least an hour, I was using portion control, food moderation, stopping when I was full...I wasn't even becoming a slave to the scale and I wasn't losing weight. After becoming frustrated and having a mini meltdown I decided to get back on the Suzanne Somers diet that I had done over the summer. And I did it for 4 days and was already back to 155....154.5 even!! But then I went to visit my cousin in college for a family weekend and I ate non STOP. No surprise I get back and the scale says 160 :( So I decide to get right back on the diet....well not right back....I had a pity party for two days and then got back on but I got back to around 156, 157 but something about me still feels unsettled. I mean the diet bores me I've been eating the same 3 food off and on for two weeks and its killing me. I know I am just setting myself up for sabotage because my boredom with the food makes it feel like I have excuse to eat off the plan. (As I sit guilty after consuming my 1230 calories Rubios quesadilla). Why the hell can't I get it together? I have two and a half months until my graduation, this is like my ULTIMATE time to shine. I mean it is so important to me and I want nothing more than to weigh 135 pounds by that time but I am starting to feel so far away and part of me is feeling like the only way for me to lose weight is to do this Suzanne Somers thing because when I tried it my way (and believe me I tried) it DIDN'T work. I am ashamed to say that it actually scared me a little because usually I will half ass on eating healthy and exercising and so I when I don't lose weight I know it because I wasn't giving it 100% but this time I really was. Sigh I dont know but I need to take a look at the situation and evaluate it quickly because I'm running out of time and I refuse to miss another deadline. I know that for the rest of my life I will NEVER stop trying to lose weight so thats why I want to go ahead and do the damn thing because I will never be happy until I do. I intend to write on my blog A LOT more frequently because I need to be held accountable and it feels really good to talk to people who know what I'm feeling.

And like I said....I'm not giving up. Not ever....hopefully tomorrow will offer up some enlightenment.