153. Well I think.

See I have this problem. I only want to write when I'm doing well. I don't like to write about my shortcomings. Which I have a lot of. So I think I'm 153 because when I weighed myself last it was on the scale at my actual house but now that I'm back in school I'm using the scale here and it says I weigh 153. Well I DID anyway. I've been eating like crazy. Pizza...Wingstop. Lots and LOTS of Wingstop. (at least once a week) and I don't know. I feel like I start to do well and then....sabatoge. And the thing is not only do a look better as I'm losing more and more weight but I feel better so its kind of like why wouldn't I continue doing right and losing weight? Honestly it doesn't make sense but I get off track anyway. I always get back on track but its tiring having to clean up and fix the damage instead of being able to just keep moving. I think about how far I could have been if I just stuck to what I said I was gonna do. I could have been healthy and fit 10 times over by now! And while I DON'T want to focus on past failures I DO want to make sure that I learn from them. I'm doing better then I have in a really long time and I do eventually see myself of making my ultimate goal of 136 but I wanted to be more motivated. I was hoping to be 145 by the time I go home for Thanksgiving but at the slow rate I'm going it seems I'll be lucky if I even get to 150! At times I get this idea in my mind that I don't really want to lose weight and that I'll be happy with myself if I don't but honestly? I won't be. I can't be. Because I know I can do better and I know I can be MUCH healthier than I am at my age.

I have this idea in my mind. I just want perfection. I want to be the a nice healthy weight that enables me to wear cute clothes. I want to wear makeup everyday and accessorize. I want to be spiritually and religiously together. I want to go to grad school. I want my iTunes to be organized! (lol, random I know). I want to have my own cute little studio apartment thats decorated all sweet and girly. I want a boyfriend. A REAL man. With a job! I want someone who I would be proud for my family to meet. I want everything to just fall into place. Is that so bad? sigh. I mean things aren't bad right now. In fact they are really good but they could be going better and I could be doing more.

I'm attempting to get my head in the game this weekend. We shall see...