Realize When It's Time For A Pep Talk

So yesterday I sounded all hunky-doory. I know. Well I have had a minor set back this morning....So last time I weighed myself (Sunday) I was 160 pounds...yaay for the 10 pounds...well today I made the mistake of weighing myself. BAD IDEA. You see this week is week five and the last week of the whole 13 pounds plan thing. So why when I got on the scale did it say 161... 161!! I'm supposed to be 158 on the way to 157!! Not a pound HEAVIER! Now this could be just water weight but then I made another mistake. I weighed myself this afternoon again just to see if anything changed and it did...it went up to 163!! WTF!!! ARGH! I was two steps from having a meltdown -- well I kind of did -- I had to order pizza hut to calm down...yes I know that makes no sense but I told you I was struggling with this whole food part of the plan. The thing that really threw me off is that yes I may have been eating bad this week but I was working out just as much as I was eating bad so why did it say I gained? Argh....I love how it comes to my deadline and I drop the ball. But now I've decided to override my freakout mode by accepting the fact that I'm not perfect and sometimes we don't always make our deadline and you know what? Thats okay. I still lost 10 pounds (though it fluctuated today) and I have been working my ass off! They always say that you don't appreciate something unless you have to work hard for it. And I have the summer to take some more pounds off -- I just hate falling short of my goal but I will NOT punish myself. I still have done a tremendous job and I will continue to do so. In just these past few weeks my self-esteem has risen and I've actually been excited about clothes shopping. Heres the difference between me today and me five weeks ago....the old me would fall off the bandwagon now give up, get a carton of ice cream, and pack the pounds right back on. But NOT today and NOT on my watch!! Yes I had my little pity party today but tomorrow I am right BACK to business. The only person standing in my way is me, my biggest obstacle is me...I've come to far to start back sliding now...I've had a taste of success and I am not willing to let it go! In the next few weeks I plan to go out buy some more clothes, more makeup, get my nails and hair done, and start putting effort into the way I look everyday so that I can enjoy the way that I look. Its not just about weight its about the effort and satisfaction that you have with your appearance so it can reflect the great person you are inside. I want to feel beautiful everyday....because I am :) I've got plans and I'm not gonna let one bum week steal away everything I've worked so hard for. More motivated than ever. Good pep talk -- only rivaled by my grandma and my aunt!

Lucky # 13

Okay so I realize that it seems that I have been ignoring my blogging duties but in reality guess what I've been doing? Losing Weight! Yes, you read me right :) 10 pounds to be exact. And you know what? It feels AMAZING!! I haven't felt this good in a long time. So what was my motivation this time? It was strange....it was the number 13. Now before you stop reading and say this girl is tooooo weird for me to follow let me explain. 13 is my favorite number, no I don't know why and yes I know it is traditionally an unlucky number and I don't know maybe thats what made me choose it. But for as long as I can remember it has always been my favorite number. A while ago I made a promise to myself that I would lose 15 pounds before I went back home for the summer. Well that promise lasted for all of 9 days before it was spiltsville. Since I was about a week behind schedule I made a new plan to lose 13 pounds (2 less pounds than 15 since I missed a week) and for some reason it stuck this time. In fact I could tell there was something different about this time when on the very first day of my plan (after I worked out for 90 minutes at the gym) I went to the beach with friends and everybody wanted to go to Fatburger...and you know what? To you're and my surprise I actually turned it down. Thats right I sat there while my friends ate burgers and fries right in front of me and I didn't have ONE SINGLE BITE. You don't even realize how difficult that was for me!!! Especially on the first day of a weight plan...its the easiest day to fall off -- at least for me it is. So once I did that things picked up, I have made it to the gym 4 to 5 times a week EVERY week and I have been eating better (still have my hardships in that department, its a process though!). You know what propelled my weight loss motivation even more? My grandma called me about a week into my plan and she suggested that I go on Weight Watchers over the summer. She said that I could do it and when I came back to school people wouldn't recognize me. Man when she said that it was ON! I knew that I COULD NOT FAIL. Me and my grandma have gone back and forth about my weight for about the last 6 years and it has been hell. She just doesn't get it, weight loss is like religion -- its personal. She would tell me things like I needed to lose more weight and she offered to buy me appetite suppressants. She kept treating me like I weighed 300 pounds or something when the most I EVER weighed was 180! She would keep saying it was for health concerns and that I understand but she would poke and prod and she made me nervous to eat in front of her at times like she was watching me. Now don't get me wrong my gram is not some evil woman who rationed my meals and called me fat or anything. She was honestly trying to help but she just didn't understand that if you've never been overweight then you just don't UNDERSTAND and you never will. I used to get upset when she would say things about my weight but that day when she told me about Weight Watchers I listened and I didn't get upset. Little did she know that I had a plan of my own. Now I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Whatever but with me I have to motivate myself from within. I have to lose the weight when I'm ready and if I wasn't ready than I could be on Weight Watchers for months and not lose any weight. I wanted to do this on my own terms and make it as simple as possible. Eat more healthy foods and workout more. And it actually worked out....still is. 10 pounds down and my goal for this week is 3 more....cross your fingers :) I have something to prove this time, I can't wait to get home and show her that I stuck to my guns and lost the weight MY way at my OWN pace and that she needs to just fall back and let me do this on my own even though I do respect and appreciate her concern. I'm taking it slowly and I don't know how much weight I will lose but I DO know that I feel great and I look even better. I've never stuck to a weight loss plan for this long...5 weeks may seem short but for me its legendary. I've started buying myself all of the things I would have denied myself 10 pounds ago....now when I see something I like? I buy it (as long as I have the money for it of course) no more waiting!!! I'm so excited for the summer time...I have some major things coming up and I'm planning to lose more weight. I promise to update more than I have been. Things are going really well now and I'm thankful :)

The Dreaded Popular Girl

You know her. Love her. Hate her. Love to hate her. The Popular Girl. And you know whats worse about them in college? They're actually good people! For example this one girl at my school seems perfect! She is pretty, dresses nicely, and is super sweet without seeming fake! And even worse she's smart too! (She was in one of my classes). I'm like where is your downfall? I'm not saying she has to have a downfall...but you know....wheres the catch? And she's friends with EVERYONE it seems: athletes, nerds, cute guys, freshman kids, random people...EVERYONE! She would be someone who I always wanted to model my life after, you know instead of actually living my own. But like I said DONE with that. While I can note the fact that she is a cool chick, well so am I. And as I start jumping back into my life I'm only become cooler :) This is short I know but just a random thought while I was surfing facebook, lol

You Gotta Start Somewhere.

I have a blog. Wow. I have a blog thats not on Myspace. Yes yes. When Myspace was at its highest height I had a blog -- and people read it too! But then Myspace died...as did my blog. But now? I'm back! Okay so the title of my blog Stop Riding The Bench. Start Living Life. means exactly what it says. You have to start living. Do you ever wonder when exactly it was that you stepped off the field and on to the sidelines? And once you've realized you've been benched it seems impossible to get back in the game. I'm only 21 but I feel for the last 8 years of my life I've been riding the bench, I'm wayyyy too young to feel like this! Its almost as if once I hit 13 the whole game shifted. Boys, weight, and shopping became way more important than board games and sleepovers with your best friends. And somewhere along the way I got lost, in fact for years I didn't realize that I was watching my life and not actually living it. I think the key thing was I didn't feel confident then... and I still don't now. My problem was that I would look at other peoples' lives in hopes that I could model my own after it...I spent all my time planning who I wanted to become instead of enjoying who I was. Looking back at my high school years I can see just how much I missed because I refused to take action in my own life. For example, I may not be thin but I really like to run and in school I wasn't too bad at it, I never even THOUGHT about trying out for the track team though. I also enjoyed acting and while I took a couple of acting classes I never actually tried out for a school play. Things I regret now. I was so uninspired at that time. And yeah you may say that was high school you're in college now but I still haven't exactly exorcised this demon. In college it has been a different problem, I wanted to join groups and I planned to join them but I never did. Not to say I'm not a part of any organizations on campus now (I am a Junior) but there we're a few (like the drama club) that I am still too afraid to take part in. Why am I saying all this? Because I want to CHANGE.

I am someone who is used to denying myself things. I would tell myself that I would join the drama club after I lost some weight and gained some confidence or I would strike up a conversation with the cute guy next to me in class once I lost 20 more pounds and bought a new outfit. I didn't deserve it now, I wasn't ready now. I needed to wait. And you know what waiting has done for me? Nothing. I've been waiting to live my life since I was 13 and in a way I still feel 13...anxiously awaiting my chance at life when its been here all the while and I've been wasting it! If you can't tell a very LARGE (no pun intended) part of the reason why I don't have the best self-esteem or confidence is because I'm overweight. By my BMI standards I need to lose about 35-40 pounds (stupid BMI!!Grr!). I've denied myself opportunity after opportunity and chance after chance because I was waiting for the right time to "start" my life. You know that time where I would be 40 pounds lighter, with longer hair, a new wardrobe, new cell phone, a new job, new mindset and I would blow everyone away with my beauty and brains. Well that never happened...and since it never happened I never got that new jump start to my life. Every year it was the same story...this year was gonna be MY year, this year it was MY turn, this year I was gonna reinvent MYself...every this year mentality I have had has turned into last year's garbage. I don't want to look up 8 more years from now at the age of 29 and say the same thing about "this year is MY year". Why can't every year be MY year? Why do I have to wait for a turn? I beginning to understand that I don't. All those plans? They we're just excuses because I was too afraid to change. I would put all my hopes into a new school year or an actual new year and when it didn't work out I would just postpone my "changes" to the next year. Well NO MORE! I'm done with waiting. I'm not a patient person as is and this whole waiting for 8 years thing is really crampin my style. I'm done with the B.S, the hurt, the pain, the confusion, and the excuses. I AM going to make a change.

If you can bear with me I intend to take you on this journey of change with me. Sharing in my wins and losses and figuring out how I got here in the first place! Prepare for some moaning and groaning and a few whining sessions but also prepare for some motivation and some challenges that might help you on your journey as well. Writing is therapeutic for me and maybe this will be the thing that finally pushes me into actually changing...I mean if you all are watching me I can't let you down can I? :)