Consistency Much?

This (CONSISTENCY, duh <<<<) is something I seem to have a major problem with -- blogging always helps to keep me on track but for some reason I ALWAYS stop doing it. I'm back now. Long story short a lot has happened in the last year. I moved to DC and had a tough time finding my way and was homesick but after a 9 months I finally got it together. My weight has fluctuated between the same 8 pounds for the last year -_- from 152 to 155 to 158 to 156 to 153 to 157...and you get the drill. I am SOOOO ready to be out of the 150s. I remember a long time ago when I was so excited to get to this point but now I've gotten to space where I NEED more. I need to get into the 140s. I want to start blogging consistently, get on track, and STAAAAY on track. Right now I'm at 158 (again this face -_-) but in about 5 weeks I return to DC for my second and final year of graduate school. Initially when I left for the summer I wanted to get down to 138 but messing around and not being focused wasted a lot of time and now I'm hoping to get to 150 (wouldn't that be great!) by around August 20th. I scheduled a doctor's appointment on August 6th -- a physical, eck! But I want to hold myself accountable for making some progress this time around. So here's to a simple, not over the top blog post to start anew -- here's to commitment and consistency ;)

I am ready for a breakthrough

You know when you're ready to have that moment where it all makes sense? Where it all clicks and you see the big picture? Throughout this weight loss journey (some mentioned on this blog and some prior) I have lost 31.5 pounds going from 180 to 148.5. I am really proud of my progress. For the first two years of my high school career I weighed around 149 without diet or exercise. My junior year I upped my weight loss efforts and got down to 133 (for all of two weeks!!) but then I got a job working at Jamba Juice and the freedom of eating out and ballooned to 170 for the majority of my senior year. The summer before college I got back to about 155 but then freshman 15 turned into the freshman 25! Yes at 5 foot 2 I weighed 180! Luckily I realized how unhealthy this really was and dropped 10 pounds...boom 170. I stayed there for quite a while until the middle of my junior year where I decided to give losing weight another try. I got down to about 160 for the summer before senior year and before I came back to school for my final year I got down to about 155. I struggled and tussled between 155 and 160 for a full semester and some change until I finally hit 150 around spring break and just recently 148.5. I tell you all this to say that my whole weight loss journey has been one wild ride of highest highs and the lowest lows. In about two weeks I am graduating college and my initial weight loss goal was 135....looks like I'm not going to get there but I am okay with that. I've re-adjusted my goal for 142-145. At first I was down on myself because this is the first time that my goal hasn't felt SOOO far away and I was sad that I didn't reach it but now I am encouraged. Losing 30 pounds is NO easy task and I know the closer I get to my goal weight the harder it will be. But I will NEVER stop trying.

I always had this mindset that I had to treat myself "less than" until I hit my goal weight. That I wasn't allowed to buy new clothes or celebrate any weight loss victories until everything was official. I allowed myself to hide from the world....with a smile on my face no one could see my disappointment, my low self-esteem, my loneliness. But you know what has changed this? Not losing the weight, but MAKING the journey. Although I do realize that losing the weight is half the battle confidence is the other half. I have always, always been afraid to put myself out there because I was so afraid of being rejected. In my mind I put myself down before someone else could....beat 'em to the punch. Not anymore. I may not be perfect, and I may not be at my goal weight yet but I am still worth the effort. I am worth attractive guys noticing me, I'm worth putting on makeup, I'm worth buying new clothes. The growing of confidence takes time and without making a weight loss journey you can really have an imbalance. I wouldn't want to be 135 right now with 0 self esteem -- whats the point of losing the weight but still feeling like the fact/undesirable girl in the room? And I want to validate myself...I don't want to require a man or anyone else to tell me how great I am....I have to KNOW that I am great. Insecurity is the biggest turn off in girls and guys and I refuse to need someone else to love me instead of me loving myself.

And while I will say I am not 100% percent there I would say I am 80% there (this is a dual journey people haha)and I hope that with completing my weight goal by the end of the summer I will be 100% confident as well. My goal this summer is to get to 135 by the beginning of August (can you say vacation in Hawaii!!!) and I have a plan this summer that I want to act as if I'm 135. I don't know if I'm making sense but what I mean to say is that as of right now (in some ways) I still let my weight hold me back whether it be how outgoing I am or how I interact with guys but this summer I want to abolish that. I don't want to fall for the first guy who shows me some attention (like I always used to do because I felt like no one liked me and I was LUCKY that these guys were interested in me) and I don't want to keep quiet because I'm afraid people will pay attention and notice I'm chubby. If I want things to be different I have to react to them differently or else they will never change. It saddens me to think of how I used to feel:

-i am going to be single for the rest of my life
-no one will want be because i'm not thin
-if i was thin more guys would talk me
-if a guy did talk to me i wondered why he was interested in me...i mean didn't he notice that i wasn't skinny? (yes, he noticed that you aren't a stick and obviously he was okay with that because he still talked to you)
-all the guys that talked to me would eventually stop when they realized how chubby i was and i was lucky that someone was even interested in me

I mean at times I would feel so lonely and helpless and its pains me to think that I ever thought that way. I am thankful I am past that point in my life -- as I read it over it doesn't even make any sense to me. My time is here I know that much. I say that because I used to always say that my time is coming because I was always waiting for something more...like I couldn't live my life until I lost the right amount of weight but I realize now that life was passing me by all along and I wasn't living it. I just wasn't present for it. I kept looking for what the future was gonna be like...all the while ignoring the present. I'm DONE with that. I am good enough for ANY man to want me and just because someone is interested in me doesn't me I have to fall on my knees and thank my lucky stars what I need to do is figure out if I am interested in THEM...something that I never do. I deserve better than that. Just like I deserve to put healthier foods into my body and exercise more. Just like I deserve all the cute clothes I am finally able to start wearing.

I am never giving up. I'm never stopping. And I am going to stop counting myself out in every ones eyes before they can do it to me. I always place myself out of the equation before anybody can do it for me. NO MORE! There may always be someone with a better shoulders, a tighter tummy, or a more toned thighs but no one on this planet has MY personality or my face and that is what makes me original. The reason I don't really have any guy friends is because I always start liking them first and then after I know they don't like me I start to distance myself and figure why would they want to be friends with little chubby ol' me? Um hello!!! EVERYONE would wanna be friends with me (well maybe lol)! Because I am the bomb dot com and from now on I am going to give 100% to this process so I can get 100% of the results and I will treat myself like the great person I am. I have come to peace with that fact that because of my short stature I will always be a little chubby and you know what I'M okay with that...and that's the whole point. This is all about me. About ME being okay with ME.

From this day forward I pledge to give everything I've got to finally getting healthy for good by the beginning of August 2011 and I will let my confidence shine like I'm 135 (got start practicing) until I get there :) Which wont' be long...

Sometimes you have to encourage yourself.

Encourage Yourself is a gospel song that I heard not too long ago. And it really rings true to me right now. I can have a million cheerleaders in my corner but the most important person in my corner has to be me. I have let myself go recently...it seems as if every time I make progress I have to back pedal and I hate it. It's like once I reach my miniature goal I have to sabotage myself and I am OVER it! I am starting over right now and I am not stopping. Graduation is just weeks away and I have so many amazing things to look forward to after this....summer is just around the corner. And I want to be able to wear a cute swimsuit dammit! I always try to get in shape over the summer but I want to be in shape when the summer starts!! If I turn my attitude around things can change right now. I realized that its not even the tools I have in front of me like the gym or a fridge full of healthy foods it is all about my attitude. When I am feeling good and motivated and focused all of my tools work together....but when I don't I can skip the gym day after day and I can bypass my spinach and baked chicken in my fridge for a chipotle burrito. It is ALL about my attitude -- it is about being my OWN cheerleader. I am worth all of the energy it takes to accomplish this goal and I truly believe that all is not lost and that my visions of being healthy and fit are not as far off as I have always imagined.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am starting FRESH! Not recognizing past failures or the fact that the last two weeks have been a complete bust for me. I am not going to use the scale to validate how I feel about myself.

So here's the plan....I'm going back to doing things how I was doing them before. Basically the Suzanne Somers diet with my own twists (which worked for me before) I am going to be exercising 5 times a week. Monday/Wednesday: 75 mins and Friday/Saturday/Sunday: 90 mins. Mondays I am going to make myself run the mile (lol so hard my best time is 9:08 I think??) and my attitude is gonna be 100% BETTER. No time for negativity or self doubt! I've got progress to make!
I am going to weigh myself on May 1st (so about 3 weeks!) and then I'll go and weigh myself right before my graduation (May 22nd) to see what my final number is. I was hoping for 135 but I feel I'll be closer to 140-145 range. Hopefully 140!! I was 150 before spring break but after two failed weeks I am sure I've probably gained a few pounds but I'm not gonna weigh myself and I'm gonna keep pushing because I don't really need to know if I gained two pounds back....all that is gonna do is discourage me....and I'm DONE with that way of thinking. Besides I am gonna take of those two pounds PLUS a whole lot more in the very NEAR future.

On to the next!! Hopefully by May 1st I am around 142-145 :)

I may be the only person reading this blog but for me it is therapeutic so it doesn't even matter!

Spring Break!!

I am having a great time visiting all my family but you know what that means....FOOOD! and lots of it!! I don't think I've turned a single thing down...candy, donuts, pizza, fries, burritos! The works! I really need to calm down because this is what I always do...get down to a good weight and start getting compliments and what not and then I start the sabotage....I stop watching what I'm eating....start slacking on the exercise and before you know it....BLAM!! Gained it back!

Well not this time! I just got here on Thursday and since then I've been having my fun and eating whatever I want but I'm gonna stop all that. For the rest of the week I am going to try to get some from of exercise everyday and I am going to cut back on my eating and act like I've got some sense. I've gotten compliments from 3 family members already since I've been home telling me how good I look....I'm not giving up!!!

I'll check in later :)

150!

Not in the 140s but still very happy :) more later!

Day after tomorrow.

So my official weigh in day is coming up! If I could give myself a grade I would say 100% on the exercise (I have been doing cardio workouts like crazy for two hours a day since Friday) and about a 78-80% on the eating. After the whirlwind weekend of visiting my sister the other weekend I got back on a bad eating streak that was hard for me to kick. It was kinda strange because I would eat good all day and have ONE bad meal but it kept happening like everyday. I realize that if my eating was at least 90% I probably would be farther along in my journey but hey I'm trying and I'm not perfect. Spring break is on the horizon which means a lack of exercise and a LOT of temptation but I am ready for a bit of break. I have been working out like crazy for the almost the last 4 weeks so I want to tone it down a little bit. I used to enjoy going to the gym but I've been going so much lately it feels more like a chore than something to be enjoyed. When I come back I need to work on varying my routine while at the gym and include weight training again (been slackin on that part lol). While on vacation I'm going to make sure that I use portion control, moderation, and stopping when I'm full because I tend to ignore those things whenever I start eating crazy!! I am really hoping to break into the 140s I mean all I need to see to be happy thursday is 149!! Please God...PLEASE. I know I haven't been perfect but I have been working harder and longer then I have in the past. I really need this to help motivate me to do more. I mean graduation is not too far off....I need to make some progress!! (I say this after I had Jack in the Box for dinner...I got a small everything though. Small drink and small fry!!) We shall see what the scale says :) Cross your fingers...

Eh...

Well I was doing amazing. But then? I went to visit my sister in LA and my one bad meal for the week turned into 3 days of: Cheesecake Factory, Starbucks, Bucca Di Beppo, Tommy's, Panda Express, and Crumbs (a cupcake shop). I was BAD!! :( I've been doing so amazing up until now and I really hope that this wont undue all the hard work I've done over the last 2 weeks. I've decided I am really going to kick it into high gear this week, I only have a little over week and a half until I go home for spring break and I weigh myself on the 24th. I know tomorrow the week will start and I am going to get on back on track but I just hope that I won't have to do too much damage control ... well at least I dont know how much I weighed before I left so I will never know if I gained weight this weekend lol Gotta find some silver lining. The main thing is that its time for me to get back on the grind because I love the way I have been feeling lately and the way my clothes have been fitting (I bought two new shirts at Forever 21! One was a SMALL....it must run big!! lol) and I refuse to stop so this next week and a half is going to be nose to the grindstone!

Homesick.

So obviously this has nothing to do with my weight but I'm homesick :( -- I go to school in Southern California but I'm really from Northern California and I am really ready for a break from school and my roommates. Someone remind me why I decided to live with 3 other women?? Please??? Hanging on to my sanity is a daily occupation :| I find myself becoming annoyed with people because they are there and not because of anything they have done. Or things that didn't use to bother me too much (people taking a crappy tone with me because they are stressed or having a bad day or when my actual roommate hogs the bathroom at all times of the day) are driving me NUTS! I want to get out of this friggen apartment before I strangle someone. Me and my immediate roommate have had issues before (this is when we didn't even live with one another)so I am just trying to make it through this year drama free but I really need a break from her before I strangle her as she snores up a storm in the middle of the night! Sigh...I wish I could just go home to MY house and be with my grandparents...in my home....in my room...my bed....my bathroom....where I could kiss and hug them goodnight EVERY night instead of saying it over the phone (I was basically raised by them so I love them TO DEATH). I know I am feeling like this because I am getting so close to graduating but sometimes I feel so over it all, like when will this whole undergrad thing be over? But I know deep down I'll miss it.

So as for weight things are going pretty good. I have been to the gym everyday this week and I have been hitting my calorie burn and my soreness has even gone away so my workouts aren't so painful anymore. My eating has been pretty good -- I've been planning my cheat meals in advance and its only a MEAL rather than a cheat day. Last week I had nachos at a basketball game and this week I am visiting my sister in Los Angeles so we are going to get a cheeseburger and fries and I'm having a cupcake!! I am super excited because I haven't had any form of sweets in almost two week so this will be a nice treat. I am bringing my workout clothes so we can get in some form of exercise while I'm there and I am hitting the gym everyday until Friday to make sure that I stay on track. I really hope I'm losing weight. I mean I'm doing everything that I promised I would do and I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job at it but my fear is I'll get on the scale and I'll only have lost like 1 pound or something. REALLY hope that doesn't happen. If so I guess I am just stuck at this size because there is nothing more than I can do. I have gone to gym everyday since Friday last week, I mean I have been on my GRIND so math-wise this just has to work. I've been trying to look at my body and I know I am being impatient because I want to see instant change....I get disappointed because my stomach feels like it looks just as big and my clothes basically feel the same but granted it has only been like a week and half and in another 2 and 1/2 I will probably look and feel a little different than I do now but its hard when you feel like you've been trying to lose weight all your life. I am so tired of my whole life revolving around weight loss....its mentally exhausting. I will stay motivated though because I am so anxious to finally weigh myself on the 24th (by then it will have been about 3 and a half weeks) to see if I have broken back into the 140s (somewhere I haven't been since my sophomore year of high school). Keepin my fingers crossed...

Going strong: The Cards are Stacked

So this is week one completed of my new weight loss plan and I'd say so far so good. I eat salad at least once a day, have been drinking tons of water, and hit the gym 5 times this week. I have stayed away from the scale (since I won't be weighing myself until the 24th) and I am trying to rely on what I FEEL rather than what the scale SAYS...although it is scary because there is this huge fear that I am going to work my butt off and then when I weigh myself its going to say I am only down two pounds after 3 and half weeks of working hard (hey its happened before)...but I'll just have to wait and see (and PRAY!! lol). Yesterday was the first time that I let myself have a freebie -- I went to a basketball game at my college and I indulged in some nachos...and it was funny because I was pinning for these nachos all week but once I had them I felt they were just okay...not bad just nothing to write home about. I mean I would have rather have had a baked pork chop and some asparagus instead -- I ate about half of the nachos (which was actually a lot) and threw the rest away and didn't eat again for the rest of the night. Since I felt bad about eating the nachos I came home and did a little dance exercise for about 35 minutes. I realize I didn't work off the nachos but it felt good to know that I at least worked hard enough to burn 100 calories.

Another thing I've been doing is watching every weight loss show possible. I watch the biggest loser and then I bought a season of the show for my iphone and I watch that while working out at the gym. The other night I was watching heavy, I just finished watching the finale of I used to be fat and now I've started watching shedding for the wedding, lol. I am determined to remain motivated throughout this thing. I don't have the time to not be motivated I graduate in 77 days and I've got to make this happen!! I WILL NOT FAIL THIS TIME! I refuse to become accustom to losing! I realize I am the type of person who not only needs a pep talk everyday but I need a pep talk throughout the day. Everyday I have been talking to myself, telling myself how much this whole thing means to me, how good it feels to be healthy, how far I have come, and how far I am going to go. I can't wait for the day when I don't have to stuff my stomach into my pants and I instead can just slide my pants over it. Its hard because you want to get there so fast but it takes time, sigh, but I know if I stick with what I'm doing I will see a change! I am changing for good and there is NO going back. Not only do I want to be hot, healthy, and happy for graduation but I also have a trip to Maui at the end of the summer and the excitement of starting my new life in Washington, DC. I'd say the cards are stacked in my favor ;)

New Attitude

Okay so last night I called my best friend and I decided that I needed to make a new plan to get me out of this rut and this stupid 5 pound gain-loss that I am constantly stuck on. I am OVER it! I have officially 83 days until I graduate from college and all my family and friends are going to be there! I have this dream of buying this kick ass dress for my dinner and a separate one for my graduation. I mean this is a major photo op where I refuse to take pictures "in my zone" aka my boobs up :|. If I was ever going to come through and make good on a weight loss goal now is the time! I realize that I am the kind of person who needs a pep talk on the daily especially when I become tempted because after that all of my rationale goes flying out the window! So my new plan will include the food combing basis of Suzanne Somers but instead of following the detox and diet to the tee I am going to put in normal foods here and there -- this way I don't feel as if I am on a diet. I have to start thinking of this thing as a lifestyle change instead of a quick fix to lose weight. Part of my new plan is not to weigh myself until March 24th (which is the day I am flying home for spring break) and I hope to weigh at least 150 (my stretch goal is 145) which means I need to lose about 6 - 11 pounds (I'm about 156 right now). I am so excited to get my butt into gear. I am calling it my own March Madness! Today went well I had a smoothie for breakfast, a bacon, egg, cheese sandwich for lunch, and two pieces of baked chicken with mac n cheese, and peas. I've been drinking a really good amount of water too. I would rate my eating today as a solid B (85% I guess? lol)so I am really hoping I can finally challenge myself to fully commit to this change once and for all!

Hmmm

So some strange but good things have happened today. First off I got in to GRAD SCHOOOL!!! In DC (my dream location) and I am so excited. Of course this brings along some stress as I figure out how I am gonna pay for it (to which my dad made it clear that hes not gonna help -- but he did help pay for undergrad so I can't complain) and prepare to move away from my family but its well worth it because I have committed to change and that just doesn't include my weight. So now for the strange...today my sister tells me thats she's worried about me and my "yo-yo" dieting. Um, excuse me? First off my sister has been thin her whole life and just recently gained a whooping FIFTEEN pounds in the last few months and now she thinks she's a fitness and nutrition guru. Now in my opinion "yo-yo" dieting would mean that I was gaining and losing the same 20 - 30 pounds over and over (which would be bad for my 5 foot 2 frame)in a small frame of time and cause my heart to work overtime. All I do is fluctuate between the same 5 pounds...she was trying to make it seem as if had some kind of disorder or something. And she never cared about me and my dieting before until she started trying to lose weight. Where have you been for the past 9 years??? She made it seem like I was an extreme because I would eat bad and then go to gym for an extra hour to work it off. So? I actually ENJOY exercise so if I go for 2 hours at the gym sometimes its not a punishment its something I ENJOY!! And I don't go for 2 hours everyday! I go 2 hours like once a week if that! Most time I go to the gym 4 times a week for 75 - 90 mins. Is that so awful? Whats wrong with wanting to go harder at the gym after you had a late night burrito to feel better? I am not exercising to the point of vomiting, dizziness, or extreme exertion. I don't understand how someone can try and make you feel bad about something your doing thats good? She said shes been in to fitness and nutrition for a while but shes never acted on it (she's a junk food junkie...or was anyways...now shes a vegetarian/vegan all of a sudden -- like within the last TWO weeks ) but I was still put off by her "concern". I didn't bite her head off or anything but I was really shocked. I could see if I really did have a problem but I don't and maybe she thinks I had an issue because I would always talk to her when I ate badly or she'd catch me on the way to the gym for a workout to make up for my slip up from the day before. And I seem to remember her chowing down on tons of awful food and not exercising at all and somehow me trying to eat better and exercise with the occasional slip up is "yo-yo" dieting? And even if I was I would have been yo-yo dieting for all of a month since we just started talking about weight (which we never did until SHE had weight problems) Sorry I just had to vent. I need to learn to stop letting what people say affect me so much...people will say one thing and I will obsess over it. I need to stop. At the end of the day I am living for me and I need to stop being so worried about what everyone else is saying and doing if its going to have a negative affect on me.
Thanks for listening :)

Hides Head in Shame..

So now comes the time where I need to be taken out back and shot! Where have I been? Where the hell have I been? I don't even know. A quick update will tell you that I weigh around 156, 157. Not awful but when you look and see that my last weight was 155 in October and the fact that I still haven't lost any weight since then is a bit depressing. Hell I am ALMOST happy with one 156ish because over my winter vacation I gained back to 160 (or 162 according to the scale at my doctor's office) and when I got back to school in mid-January I was so enthused to start anew! I was eating out way too much last semester and never really got focused about my goals as I got closer to winter break. Imagine my shock when into mid-feb I had only lost TWO friggen pounds! TWO! Now take into account that I was doing things that I rarely do. I was exercising 4 days a week for at least an hour, I was using portion control, food moderation, stopping when I was full...I wasn't even becoming a slave to the scale and I wasn't losing weight. After becoming frustrated and having a mini meltdown I decided to get back on the Suzanne Somers diet that I had done over the summer. And I did it for 4 days and was already back to 155....154.5 even!! But then I went to visit my cousin in college for a family weekend and I ate non STOP. No surprise I get back and the scale says 160 :( So I decide to get right back on the diet....well not right back....I had a pity party for two days and then got back on but I got back to around 156, 157 but something about me still feels unsettled. I mean the diet bores me I've been eating the same 3 food off and on for two weeks and its killing me. I know I am just setting myself up for sabotage because my boredom with the food makes it feel like I have excuse to eat off the plan. (As I sit guilty after consuming my 1230 calories Rubios quesadilla). Why the hell can't I get it together? I have two and a half months until my graduation, this is like my ULTIMATE time to shine. I mean it is so important to me and I want nothing more than to weigh 135 pounds by that time but I am starting to feel so far away and part of me is feeling like the only way for me to lose weight is to do this Suzanne Somers thing because when I tried it my way (and believe me I tried) it DIDN'T work. I am ashamed to say that it actually scared me a little because usually I will half ass on eating healthy and exercising and so I when I don't lose weight I know it because I wasn't giving it 100% but this time I really was. Sigh I dont know but I need to take a look at the situation and evaluate it quickly because I'm running out of time and I refuse to miss another deadline. I know that for the rest of my life I will NEVER stop trying to lose weight so thats why I want to go ahead and do the damn thing because I will never be happy until I do. I intend to write on my blog A LOT more frequently because I need to be held accountable and it feels really good to talk to people who know what I'm feeling.

And like I said....I'm not giving up. Not ever....hopefully tomorrow will offer up some enlightenment.

153. Well I think.

See I have this problem. I only want to write when I'm doing well. I don't like to write about my shortcomings. Which I have a lot of. So I think I'm 153 because when I weighed myself last it was on the scale at my actual house but now that I'm back in school I'm using the scale here and it says I weigh 153. Well I DID anyway. I've been eating like crazy. Pizza...Wingstop. Lots and LOTS of Wingstop. (at least once a week) and I don't know. I feel like I start to do well and then....sabatoge. And the thing is not only do a look better as I'm losing more and more weight but I feel better so its kind of like why wouldn't I continue doing right and losing weight? Honestly it doesn't make sense but I get off track anyway. I always get back on track but its tiring having to clean up and fix the damage instead of being able to just keep moving. I think about how far I could have been if I just stuck to what I said I was gonna do. I could have been healthy and fit 10 times over by now! And while I DON'T want to focus on past failures I DO want to make sure that I learn from them. I'm doing better then I have in a really long time and I do eventually see myself of making my ultimate goal of 136 but I wanted to be more motivated. I was hoping to be 145 by the time I go home for Thanksgiving but at the slow rate I'm going it seems I'll be lucky if I even get to 150! At times I get this idea in my mind that I don't really want to lose weight and that I'll be happy with myself if I don't but honestly? I won't be. I can't be. Because I know I can do better and I know I can be MUCH healthier than I am at my age.

I have this idea in my mind. I just want perfection. I want to be the a nice healthy weight that enables me to wear cute clothes. I want to wear makeup everyday and accessorize. I want to be spiritually and religiously together. I want to go to grad school. I want my iTunes to be organized! (lol, random I know). I want to have my own cute little studio apartment thats decorated all sweet and girly. I want a boyfriend. A REAL man. With a job! I want someone who I would be proud for my family to meet. I want everything to just fall into place. Is that so bad? sigh. I mean things aren't bad right now. In fact they are really good but they could be going better and I could be doing more.

I'm attempting to get my head in the game this weekend. We shall see...

155.

Happy Happy Joy Joy! More to come later :)

158!

I have FINALLY....FINALLLYYYYY gotten out of the 60s and into the 50s!! I go back to school in about two and half weeks and my goal is to shed 8 pounds by then so I can reach 150. Yes I know that sounds like a lot of weigh in a lot of time buuuut I am on this Suzanne Somers diet with my family. The last week we have all been following this get skinny on fabulous food diet and I lost 4 pounds! This diet is HARD! I mean there are SOOO many things I miss but when I think of all the things I have to gain it makes it that much easier. This is like a two week thing and then you go into phase 2. Well instead of phase 2 I'm going to create my own phase -- which will consist of cutting back, moderation, stopping when full, and portion control. That way I can eat the things I ADORE like burgers, fries, pizza, and ice cream while maintaining my weight loss. I KNOW I can do this. I've turned down SOOO many treats this week. There were TWO dessert parties at work this week, we had sushi at the office (I can't eat white rice) and I've been out to dinner/lunch 3 times in the last week but through everything I've managed to stay true even though I have done my fair share of complaining....my family has noted this. But seeing that scale change from 162 to 158 in about a week has totally put me in a different state of mind. I mean trust I'm gonna get downnnnnn the first minute this thing is over.....FOR that meal but then after that I'm gonna keep my composure. I mean I don't have to keep eating this strictly because I don't need to lose more weight after the two weeks of phase one. For me I like to lose 8 to 10 pounds and then work on maintaing that for a period of time, stabilizing myself and my eating and then I like to lose the next 8 to 10 pounds. SOOOO happppppy....floating on AIIIIR! I hope to weigh in next week with some even MORE exciting news. I know this is short but I just wanted to keep you updated!!

Fear No More

I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’m not gonna be able to keep this up. Losing weight has been more than amazing, for once I feel like I’m actually doing something beneficial for myself. I haven’t felt this good about myself in a long time. But there is always that nagging fear that I won’t be able to keep it up. That eventually I will slip back into bad habits and this good feeling we’ll be nothing more than a mere memory a few months from now. I have GOT to stop that from happening. I refuse to have this feeling be short lived – it just feels TOO damn good. I don’t know what I would do without it. I don’t want to start over from scratch anymore. And you know what I notice about myself? I usually begin to fall back into old habits right before I set a deadline or the event comes up that I was trying to get in shape for. Now I don’t know if this is self-sabotage or if I set up a goal that is wayyy to strenuous therefore setting myself up for failure from the start – all I know is that it stops here. I have been boo-hooing about trying to lose weight since I was 13, I’m almost 22! I refuse to spend any more time whining over something that I can change! I have ALL the control. All this time I have had the control, in fact I think that is what makes it worse because when you fail you have no one to blame but yourself. If you miss a workout it’s your fault... if you pick up that double bacon cheeseburger when you told yourself that you were going to get that salad then it’s YOUR fault. It’s time to take some responsibility. Whose fault is it that I am overweight? MINE but the upside to that is who can change this and help me become healthy and in shape? ME! I’m sorry but sometimes I need a good ole pep talk and right now is a crucial time for me. I could fall off the wagon or I can cling on to the back of it for dear life. And I’ve decided…*drum roll please* to cling on!!! There is NO way I can go back to the way things were. See that would be easy…to give up. But you know what would be hard? Sticking with it. That would be a challenge. And usually being the coward that I am I run away from/avoid challenges but this is one challenge, this is one fight that I refuse to give up on. This is not a battle…this is a full-fledged war. And I am taking down the enemy: low self esteem + unhealthiness. Say bye bye!! Yes I know this sounds crazy cheesy but cheesy is what works sometimes, you have to admit. I want to use all of my anger from wasted years and spill tears to propel me into reaching my goal. I DESERVE this more than anybody. So I’m gonna take what I DESERVE! I’m tired of being afraid….for once? I’m gonna be happy J

161.

So now I'm at 161 pounds. Not horrible, not amazing. But not nearly where I planned to be at this stage. Vacation is a week from today and I've only lost two pounds since I've come home for the summer. Which is great because I haven't gained but I really have got to put some speed on this, I have the rest of July and August and I want to be around 150 pounds. 11 more pounds to go! I exercised yesterday....an hour long Jillian Michaels tape and I also went for a hike :) but today I slacked off, did nothing, annnnnd had Chipotle for dinner (it was a burrito bowl though!) I just wished I had accomplished more in the time that I had but I guess if I want to lose weight and keep it off than I need to loose it slowly....but this slow? Time to get re-motivated and kick things BACK into high gear. Well I'm off....just wanted to give a small update. I know its been a while. Hopefully next time I'll be saying I'm 157, or 155. I would love to get back into the 150s!! Until next time :)

The Train: Chugging Along

163 it is. Nothing has really changed. My train is...chugging along. Well more like a stand still. I'm not really gaining and not really losing. I mean I might gain a pound or two but then the next few days I'll lose a pound or two. The strange thing is that I haven't lost my motivation but it's just kind of cooled off a little. I really do want to get in shape. Could you imagine going to a doctor's appointment and not freaking out when they say their gonna weigh you? Yeah thats the kind of in shape I'm looking for. I've made up a new plan for myself called plan 13 (2.0 version) -- basically the part two of my original plan 13 I told you about before...my ultimate goal is to lose 13 pounds (hopefully more!) by July 21st so that I can get down to 150. I have a wedding to go to on the East coast and I'll be seeing a lot of people that I haven't seen since I was close to 180 pounds and I really want it to be one of those things where people see you and go wow! I've never been the wow girl...I want to be the wow girl...I NEED to be the wow girl at least that one time. So I guess that should be my new motivation. I mean I'll need a wow -worthy dress for the wedding and everyone knows that the East coast in the summer time is HOT so I'll need to be fit so I can do the whole t-shirt and shorts combo -- hell if I get in shape enough I might even want to go swimming when I'm over there. I've also started a new commitment where I plan to look nice everyday. I know this may sound strange to some of you but I used to have the low self-esteem dress bad syndrome and I didn't treat myself the way I deserved to be treated. I started work today and I dressed up and people noticed! They were so used to me with my hair pulled into a bun with plain black paints and lackluster shirt that they we're surprised to see me with my hair down, makeup on, and a dress with sparkly sandals -- it felt good to look good. And while the amount of cute guys at my job is pretty close to zero you never know who you might find lumbering around the mail room after lunch ;) (true story -- saw this REALLY cute mail guy once but I looked like hell so I avoided him and dressed nice the next day hoping for a glance and never saw him again...) so regardless of size I've been keeping up with looking nice. And now with plan 13 2.0 in effect my motivation is sure to be regenerated...keep your fingers crossed!

Realize When It's Time For A Pep Talk

So yesterday I sounded all hunky-doory. I know. Well I have had a minor set back this morning....So last time I weighed myself (Sunday) I was 160 pounds...yaay for the 10 pounds...well today I made the mistake of weighing myself. BAD IDEA. You see this week is week five and the last week of the whole 13 pounds plan thing. So why when I got on the scale did it say 161... 161!! I'm supposed to be 158 on the way to 157!! Not a pound HEAVIER! Now this could be just water weight but then I made another mistake. I weighed myself this afternoon again just to see if anything changed and it did...it went up to 163!! WTF!!! ARGH! I was two steps from having a meltdown -- well I kind of did -- I had to order pizza hut to calm down...yes I know that makes no sense but I told you I was struggling with this whole food part of the plan. The thing that really threw me off is that yes I may have been eating bad this week but I was working out just as much as I was eating bad so why did it say I gained? Argh....I love how it comes to my deadline and I drop the ball. But now I've decided to override my freakout mode by accepting the fact that I'm not perfect and sometimes we don't always make our deadline and you know what? Thats okay. I still lost 10 pounds (though it fluctuated today) and I have been working my ass off! They always say that you don't appreciate something unless you have to work hard for it. And I have the summer to take some more pounds off -- I just hate falling short of my goal but I will NOT punish myself. I still have done a tremendous job and I will continue to do so. In just these past few weeks my self-esteem has risen and I've actually been excited about clothes shopping. Heres the difference between me today and me five weeks ago....the old me would fall off the bandwagon now give up, get a carton of ice cream, and pack the pounds right back on. But NOT today and NOT on my watch!! Yes I had my little pity party today but tomorrow I am right BACK to business. The only person standing in my way is me, my biggest obstacle is me...I've come to far to start back sliding now...I've had a taste of success and I am not willing to let it go! In the next few weeks I plan to go out buy some more clothes, more makeup, get my nails and hair done, and start putting effort into the way I look everyday so that I can enjoy the way that I look. Its not just about weight its about the effort and satisfaction that you have with your appearance so it can reflect the great person you are inside. I want to feel beautiful everyday....because I am :) I've got plans and I'm not gonna let one bum week steal away everything I've worked so hard for. More motivated than ever. Good pep talk -- only rivaled by my grandma and my aunt!

Lucky # 13

Okay so I realize that it seems that I have been ignoring my blogging duties but in reality guess what I've been doing? Losing Weight! Yes, you read me right :) 10 pounds to be exact. And you know what? It feels AMAZING!! I haven't felt this good in a long time. So what was my motivation this time? It was strange....it was the number 13. Now before you stop reading and say this girl is tooooo weird for me to follow let me explain. 13 is my favorite number, no I don't know why and yes I know it is traditionally an unlucky number and I don't know maybe thats what made me choose it. But for as long as I can remember it has always been my favorite number. A while ago I made a promise to myself that I would lose 15 pounds before I went back home for the summer. Well that promise lasted for all of 9 days before it was spiltsville. Since I was about a week behind schedule I made a new plan to lose 13 pounds (2 less pounds than 15 since I missed a week) and for some reason it stuck this time. In fact I could tell there was something different about this time when on the very first day of my plan (after I worked out for 90 minutes at the gym) I went to the beach with friends and everybody wanted to go to Fatburger...and you know what? To you're and my surprise I actually turned it down. Thats right I sat there while my friends ate burgers and fries right in front of me and I didn't have ONE SINGLE BITE. You don't even realize how difficult that was for me!!! Especially on the first day of a weight plan...its the easiest day to fall off -- at least for me it is. So once I did that things picked up, I have made it to the gym 4 to 5 times a week EVERY week and I have been eating better (still have my hardships in that department, its a process though!). You know what propelled my weight loss motivation even more? My grandma called me about a week into my plan and she suggested that I go on Weight Watchers over the summer. She said that I could do it and when I came back to school people wouldn't recognize me. Man when she said that it was ON! I knew that I COULD NOT FAIL. Me and my grandma have gone back and forth about my weight for about the last 6 years and it has been hell. She just doesn't get it, weight loss is like religion -- its personal. She would tell me things like I needed to lose more weight and she offered to buy me appetite suppressants. She kept treating me like I weighed 300 pounds or something when the most I EVER weighed was 180! She would keep saying it was for health concerns and that I understand but she would poke and prod and she made me nervous to eat in front of her at times like she was watching me. Now don't get me wrong my gram is not some evil woman who rationed my meals and called me fat or anything. She was honestly trying to help but she just didn't understand that if you've never been overweight then you just don't UNDERSTAND and you never will. I used to get upset when she would say things about my weight but that day when she told me about Weight Watchers I listened and I didn't get upset. Little did she know that I had a plan of my own. Now I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Whatever but with me I have to motivate myself from within. I have to lose the weight when I'm ready and if I wasn't ready than I could be on Weight Watchers for months and not lose any weight. I wanted to do this on my own terms and make it as simple as possible. Eat more healthy foods and workout more. And it actually worked out....still is. 10 pounds down and my goal for this week is 3 more....cross your fingers :) I have something to prove this time, I can't wait to get home and show her that I stuck to my guns and lost the weight MY way at my OWN pace and that she needs to just fall back and let me do this on my own even though I do respect and appreciate her concern. I'm taking it slowly and I don't know how much weight I will lose but I DO know that I feel great and I look even better. I've never stuck to a weight loss plan for this long...5 weeks may seem short but for me its legendary. I've started buying myself all of the things I would have denied myself 10 pounds ago....now when I see something I like? I buy it (as long as I have the money for it of course) no more waiting!!! I'm so excited for the summer time...I have some major things coming up and I'm planning to lose more weight. I promise to update more than I have been. Things are going really well now and I'm thankful :)