I am ready for a breakthrough

You know when you're ready to have that moment where it all makes sense? Where it all clicks and you see the big picture? Throughout this weight loss journey (some mentioned on this blog and some prior) I have lost 31.5 pounds going from 180 to 148.5. I am really proud of my progress. For the first two years of my high school career I weighed around 149 without diet or exercise. My junior year I upped my weight loss efforts and got down to 133 (for all of two weeks!!) but then I got a job working at Jamba Juice and the freedom of eating out and ballooned to 170 for the majority of my senior year. The summer before college I got back to about 155 but then freshman 15 turned into the freshman 25! Yes at 5 foot 2 I weighed 180! Luckily I realized how unhealthy this really was and dropped 10 pounds...boom 170. I stayed there for quite a while until the middle of my junior year where I decided to give losing weight another try. I got down to about 160 for the summer before senior year and before I came back to school for my final year I got down to about 155. I struggled and tussled between 155 and 160 for a full semester and some change until I finally hit 150 around spring break and just recently 148.5. I tell you all this to say that my whole weight loss journey has been one wild ride of highest highs and the lowest lows. In about two weeks I am graduating college and my initial weight loss goal was 135....looks like I'm not going to get there but I am okay with that. I've re-adjusted my goal for 142-145. At first I was down on myself because this is the first time that my goal hasn't felt SOOO far away and I was sad that I didn't reach it but now I am encouraged. Losing 30 pounds is NO easy task and I know the closer I get to my goal weight the harder it will be. But I will NEVER stop trying.

I always had this mindset that I had to treat myself "less than" until I hit my goal weight. That I wasn't allowed to buy new clothes or celebrate any weight loss victories until everything was official. I allowed myself to hide from the world....with a smile on my face no one could see my disappointment, my low self-esteem, my loneliness. But you know what has changed this? Not losing the weight, but MAKING the journey. Although I do realize that losing the weight is half the battle confidence is the other half. I have always, always been afraid to put myself out there because I was so afraid of being rejected. In my mind I put myself down before someone else could....beat 'em to the punch. Not anymore. I may not be perfect, and I may not be at my goal weight yet but I am still worth the effort. I am worth attractive guys noticing me, I'm worth putting on makeup, I'm worth buying new clothes. The growing of confidence takes time and without making a weight loss journey you can really have an imbalance. I wouldn't want to be 135 right now with 0 self esteem -- whats the point of losing the weight but still feeling like the fact/undesirable girl in the room? And I want to validate myself...I don't want to require a man or anyone else to tell me how great I am....I have to KNOW that I am great. Insecurity is the biggest turn off in girls and guys and I refuse to need someone else to love me instead of me loving myself.

And while I will say I am not 100% percent there I would say I am 80% there (this is a dual journey people haha)and I hope that with completing my weight goal by the end of the summer I will be 100% confident as well. My goal this summer is to get to 135 by the beginning of August (can you say vacation in Hawaii!!!) and I have a plan this summer that I want to act as if I'm 135. I don't know if I'm making sense but what I mean to say is that as of right now (in some ways) I still let my weight hold me back whether it be how outgoing I am or how I interact with guys but this summer I want to abolish that. I don't want to fall for the first guy who shows me some attention (like I always used to do because I felt like no one liked me and I was LUCKY that these guys were interested in me) and I don't want to keep quiet because I'm afraid people will pay attention and notice I'm chubby. If I want things to be different I have to react to them differently or else they will never change. It saddens me to think of how I used to feel:

-i am going to be single for the rest of my life
-no one will want be because i'm not thin
-if i was thin more guys would talk me
-if a guy did talk to me i wondered why he was interested in me...i mean didn't he notice that i wasn't skinny? (yes, he noticed that you aren't a stick and obviously he was okay with that because he still talked to you)
-all the guys that talked to me would eventually stop when they realized how chubby i was and i was lucky that someone was even interested in me

I mean at times I would feel so lonely and helpless and its pains me to think that I ever thought that way. I am thankful I am past that point in my life -- as I read it over it doesn't even make any sense to me. My time is here I know that much. I say that because I used to always say that my time is coming because I was always waiting for something more...like I couldn't live my life until I lost the right amount of weight but I realize now that life was passing me by all along and I wasn't living it. I just wasn't present for it. I kept looking for what the future was gonna be like...all the while ignoring the present. I'm DONE with that. I am good enough for ANY man to want me and just because someone is interested in me doesn't me I have to fall on my knees and thank my lucky stars what I need to do is figure out if I am interested in THEM...something that I never do. I deserve better than that. Just like I deserve to put healthier foods into my body and exercise more. Just like I deserve all the cute clothes I am finally able to start wearing.

I am never giving up. I'm never stopping. And I am going to stop counting myself out in every ones eyes before they can do it to me. I always place myself out of the equation before anybody can do it for me. NO MORE! There may always be someone with a better shoulders, a tighter tummy, or a more toned thighs but no one on this planet has MY personality or my face and that is what makes me original. The reason I don't really have any guy friends is because I always start liking them first and then after I know they don't like me I start to distance myself and figure why would they want to be friends with little chubby ol' me? Um hello!!! EVERYONE would wanna be friends with me (well maybe lol)! Because I am the bomb dot com and from now on I am going to give 100% to this process so I can get 100% of the results and I will treat myself like the great person I am. I have come to peace with that fact that because of my short stature I will always be a little chubby and you know what I'M okay with that...and that's the whole point. This is all about me. About ME being okay with ME.

From this day forward I pledge to give everything I've got to finally getting healthy for good by the beginning of August 2011 and I will let my confidence shine like I'm 135 (got start practicing) until I get there :) Which wont' be long...

Sometimes you have to encourage yourself.

Encourage Yourself is a gospel song that I heard not too long ago. And it really rings true to me right now. I can have a million cheerleaders in my corner but the most important person in my corner has to be me. I have let myself go recently...it seems as if every time I make progress I have to back pedal and I hate it. It's like once I reach my miniature goal I have to sabotage myself and I am OVER it! I am starting over right now and I am not stopping. Graduation is just weeks away and I have so many amazing things to look forward to after this....summer is just around the corner. And I want to be able to wear a cute swimsuit dammit! I always try to get in shape over the summer but I want to be in shape when the summer starts!! If I turn my attitude around things can change right now. I realized that its not even the tools I have in front of me like the gym or a fridge full of healthy foods it is all about my attitude. When I am feeling good and motivated and focused all of my tools work together....but when I don't I can skip the gym day after day and I can bypass my spinach and baked chicken in my fridge for a chipotle burrito. It is ALL about my attitude -- it is about being my OWN cheerleader. I am worth all of the energy it takes to accomplish this goal and I truly believe that all is not lost and that my visions of being healthy and fit are not as far off as I have always imagined.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am starting FRESH! Not recognizing past failures or the fact that the last two weeks have been a complete bust for me. I am not going to use the scale to validate how I feel about myself.

So here's the plan....I'm going back to doing things how I was doing them before. Basically the Suzanne Somers diet with my own twists (which worked for me before) I am going to be exercising 5 times a week. Monday/Wednesday: 75 mins and Friday/Saturday/Sunday: 90 mins. Mondays I am going to make myself run the mile (lol so hard my best time is 9:08 I think??) and my attitude is gonna be 100% BETTER. No time for negativity or self doubt! I've got progress to make!
I am going to weigh myself on May 1st (so about 3 weeks!) and then I'll go and weigh myself right before my graduation (May 22nd) to see what my final number is. I was hoping for 135 but I feel I'll be closer to 140-145 range. Hopefully 140!! I was 150 before spring break but after two failed weeks I am sure I've probably gained a few pounds but I'm not gonna weigh myself and I'm gonna keep pushing because I don't really need to know if I gained two pounds back....all that is gonna do is discourage me....and I'm DONE with that way of thinking. Besides I am gonna take of those two pounds PLUS a whole lot more in the very NEAR future.

On to the next!! Hopefully by May 1st I am around 142-145 :)

I may be the only person reading this blog but for me it is therapeutic so it doesn't even matter!

Spring Break!!

I am having a great time visiting all my family but you know what that means....FOOOD! and lots of it!! I don't think I've turned a single thing down...candy, donuts, pizza, fries, burritos! The works! I really need to calm down because this is what I always do...get down to a good weight and start getting compliments and what not and then I start the sabotage....I stop watching what I'm eating....start slacking on the exercise and before you know it....BLAM!! Gained it back!

Well not this time! I just got here on Thursday and since then I've been having my fun and eating whatever I want but I'm gonna stop all that. For the rest of the week I am going to try to get some from of exercise everyday and I am going to cut back on my eating and act like I've got some sense. I've gotten compliments from 3 family members already since I've been home telling me how good I look....I'm not giving up!!!

I'll check in later :)

150!

Not in the 140s but still very happy :) more later!

Day after tomorrow.

So my official weigh in day is coming up! If I could give myself a grade I would say 100% on the exercise (I have been doing cardio workouts like crazy for two hours a day since Friday) and about a 78-80% on the eating. After the whirlwind weekend of visiting my sister the other weekend I got back on a bad eating streak that was hard for me to kick. It was kinda strange because I would eat good all day and have ONE bad meal but it kept happening like everyday. I realize that if my eating was at least 90% I probably would be farther along in my journey but hey I'm trying and I'm not perfect. Spring break is on the horizon which means a lack of exercise and a LOT of temptation but I am ready for a bit of break. I have been working out like crazy for the almost the last 4 weeks so I want to tone it down a little bit. I used to enjoy going to the gym but I've been going so much lately it feels more like a chore than something to be enjoyed. When I come back I need to work on varying my routine while at the gym and include weight training again (been slackin on that part lol). While on vacation I'm going to make sure that I use portion control, moderation, and stopping when I'm full because I tend to ignore those things whenever I start eating crazy!! I am really hoping to break into the 140s I mean all I need to see to be happy thursday is 149!! Please God...PLEASE. I know I haven't been perfect but I have been working harder and longer then I have in the past. I really need this to help motivate me to do more. I mean graduation is not too far off....I need to make some progress!! (I say this after I had Jack in the Box for dinner...I got a small everything though. Small drink and small fry!!) We shall see what the scale says :) Cross your fingers...

Eh...

Well I was doing amazing. But then? I went to visit my sister in LA and my one bad meal for the week turned into 3 days of: Cheesecake Factory, Starbucks, Bucca Di Beppo, Tommy's, Panda Express, and Crumbs (a cupcake shop). I was BAD!! :( I've been doing so amazing up until now and I really hope that this wont undue all the hard work I've done over the last 2 weeks. I've decided I am really going to kick it into high gear this week, I only have a little over week and a half until I go home for spring break and I weigh myself on the 24th. I know tomorrow the week will start and I am going to get on back on track but I just hope that I won't have to do too much damage control ... well at least I dont know how much I weighed before I left so I will never know if I gained weight this weekend lol Gotta find some silver lining. The main thing is that its time for me to get back on the grind because I love the way I have been feeling lately and the way my clothes have been fitting (I bought two new shirts at Forever 21! One was a SMALL....it must run big!! lol) and I refuse to stop so this next week and a half is going to be nose to the grindstone!

Homesick.

So obviously this has nothing to do with my weight but I'm homesick :( -- I go to school in Southern California but I'm really from Northern California and I am really ready for a break from school and my roommates. Someone remind me why I decided to live with 3 other women?? Please??? Hanging on to my sanity is a daily occupation :| I find myself becoming annoyed with people because they are there and not because of anything they have done. Or things that didn't use to bother me too much (people taking a crappy tone with me because they are stressed or having a bad day or when my actual roommate hogs the bathroom at all times of the day) are driving me NUTS! I want to get out of this friggen apartment before I strangle someone. Me and my immediate roommate have had issues before (this is when we didn't even live with one another)so I am just trying to make it through this year drama free but I really need a break from her before I strangle her as she snores up a storm in the middle of the night! Sigh...I wish I could just go home to MY house and be with my grandparents...in my home....in my room...my bed....my bathroom....where I could kiss and hug them goodnight EVERY night instead of saying it over the phone (I was basically raised by them so I love them TO DEATH). I know I am feeling like this because I am getting so close to graduating but sometimes I feel so over it all, like when will this whole undergrad thing be over? But I know deep down I'll miss it.

So as for weight things are going pretty good. I have been to the gym everyday this week and I have been hitting my calorie burn and my soreness has even gone away so my workouts aren't so painful anymore. My eating has been pretty good -- I've been planning my cheat meals in advance and its only a MEAL rather than a cheat day. Last week I had nachos at a basketball game and this week I am visiting my sister in Los Angeles so we are going to get a cheeseburger and fries and I'm having a cupcake!! I am super excited because I haven't had any form of sweets in almost two week so this will be a nice treat. I am bringing my workout clothes so we can get in some form of exercise while I'm there and I am hitting the gym everyday until Friday to make sure that I stay on track. I really hope I'm losing weight. I mean I'm doing everything that I promised I would do and I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job at it but my fear is I'll get on the scale and I'll only have lost like 1 pound or something. REALLY hope that doesn't happen. If so I guess I am just stuck at this size because there is nothing more than I can do. I have gone to gym everyday since Friday last week, I mean I have been on my GRIND so math-wise this just has to work. I've been trying to look at my body and I know I am being impatient because I want to see instant change....I get disappointed because my stomach feels like it looks just as big and my clothes basically feel the same but granted it has only been like a week and half and in another 2 and 1/2 I will probably look and feel a little different than I do now but its hard when you feel like you've been trying to lose weight all your life. I am so tired of my whole life revolving around weight loss....its mentally exhausting. I will stay motivated though because I am so anxious to finally weigh myself on the 24th (by then it will have been about 3 and a half weeks) to see if I have broken back into the 140s (somewhere I haven't been since my sophomore year of high school). Keepin my fingers crossed...