Hmmm

So some strange but good things have happened today. First off I got in to GRAD SCHOOOL!!! In DC (my dream location) and I am so excited. Of course this brings along some stress as I figure out how I am gonna pay for it (to which my dad made it clear that hes not gonna help -- but he did help pay for undergrad so I can't complain) and prepare to move away from my family but its well worth it because I have committed to change and that just doesn't include my weight. So now for the strange...today my sister tells me thats she's worried about me and my "yo-yo" dieting. Um, excuse me? First off my sister has been thin her whole life and just recently gained a whooping FIFTEEN pounds in the last few months and now she thinks she's a fitness and nutrition guru. Now in my opinion "yo-yo" dieting would mean that I was gaining and losing the same 20 - 30 pounds over and over (which would be bad for my 5 foot 2 frame)in a small frame of time and cause my heart to work overtime. All I do is fluctuate between the same 5 pounds...she was trying to make it seem as if had some kind of disorder or something. And she never cared about me and my dieting before until she started trying to lose weight. Where have you been for the past 9 years??? She made it seem like I was an extreme because I would eat bad and then go to gym for an extra hour to work it off. So? I actually ENJOY exercise so if I go for 2 hours at the gym sometimes its not a punishment its something I ENJOY!! And I don't go for 2 hours everyday! I go 2 hours like once a week if that! Most time I go to the gym 4 times a week for 75 - 90 mins. Is that so awful? Whats wrong with wanting to go harder at the gym after you had a late night burrito to feel better? I am not exercising to the point of vomiting, dizziness, or extreme exertion. I don't understand how someone can try and make you feel bad about something your doing thats good? She said shes been in to fitness and nutrition for a while but shes never acted on it (she's a junk food junkie...or was anyways...now shes a vegetarian/vegan all of a sudden -- like within the last TWO weeks ) but I was still put off by her "concern". I didn't bite her head off or anything but I was really shocked. I could see if I really did have a problem but I don't and maybe she thinks I had an issue because I would always talk to her when I ate badly or she'd catch me on the way to the gym for a workout to make up for my slip up from the day before. And I seem to remember her chowing down on tons of awful food and not exercising at all and somehow me trying to eat better and exercise with the occasional slip up is "yo-yo" dieting? And even if I was I would have been yo-yo dieting for all of a month since we just started talking about weight (which we never did until SHE had weight problems) Sorry I just had to vent. I need to learn to stop letting what people say affect me so much...people will say one thing and I will obsess over it. I need to stop. At the end of the day I am living for me and I need to stop being so worried about what everyone else is saying and doing if its going to have a negative affect on me.
Thanks for listening :)

Hides Head in Shame..

So now comes the time where I need to be taken out back and shot! Where have I been? Where the hell have I been? I don't even know. A quick update will tell you that I weigh around 156, 157. Not awful but when you look and see that my last weight was 155 in October and the fact that I still haven't lost any weight since then is a bit depressing. Hell I am ALMOST happy with one 156ish because over my winter vacation I gained back to 160 (or 162 according to the scale at my doctor's office) and when I got back to school in mid-January I was so enthused to start anew! I was eating out way too much last semester and never really got focused about my goals as I got closer to winter break. Imagine my shock when into mid-feb I had only lost TWO friggen pounds! TWO! Now take into account that I was doing things that I rarely do. I was exercising 4 days a week for at least an hour, I was using portion control, food moderation, stopping when I was full...I wasn't even becoming a slave to the scale and I wasn't losing weight. After becoming frustrated and having a mini meltdown I decided to get back on the Suzanne Somers diet that I had done over the summer. And I did it for 4 days and was already back to 155....154.5 even!! But then I went to visit my cousin in college for a family weekend and I ate non STOP. No surprise I get back and the scale says 160 :( So I decide to get right back on the diet....well not right back....I had a pity party for two days and then got back on but I got back to around 156, 157 but something about me still feels unsettled. I mean the diet bores me I've been eating the same 3 food off and on for two weeks and its killing me. I know I am just setting myself up for sabotage because my boredom with the food makes it feel like I have excuse to eat off the plan. (As I sit guilty after consuming my 1230 calories Rubios quesadilla). Why the hell can't I get it together? I have two and a half months until my graduation, this is like my ULTIMATE time to shine. I mean it is so important to me and I want nothing more than to weigh 135 pounds by that time but I am starting to feel so far away and part of me is feeling like the only way for me to lose weight is to do this Suzanne Somers thing because when I tried it my way (and believe me I tried) it DIDN'T work. I am ashamed to say that it actually scared me a little because usually I will half ass on eating healthy and exercising and so I when I don't lose weight I know it because I wasn't giving it 100% but this time I really was. Sigh I dont know but I need to take a look at the situation and evaluate it quickly because I'm running out of time and I refuse to miss another deadline. I know that for the rest of my life I will NEVER stop trying to lose weight so thats why I want to go ahead and do the damn thing because I will never be happy until I do. I intend to write on my blog A LOT more frequently because I need to be held accountable and it feels really good to talk to people who know what I'm feeling.

And like I said....I'm not giving up. Not ever....hopefully tomorrow will offer up some enlightenment.

153. Well I think.

See I have this problem. I only want to write when I'm doing well. I don't like to write about my shortcomings. Which I have a lot of. So I think I'm 153 because when I weighed myself last it was on the scale at my actual house but now that I'm back in school I'm using the scale here and it says I weigh 153. Well I DID anyway. I've been eating like crazy. Pizza...Wingstop. Lots and LOTS of Wingstop. (at least once a week) and I don't know. I feel like I start to do well and then....sabatoge. And the thing is not only do a look better as I'm losing more and more weight but I feel better so its kind of like why wouldn't I continue doing right and losing weight? Honestly it doesn't make sense but I get off track anyway. I always get back on track but its tiring having to clean up and fix the damage instead of being able to just keep moving. I think about how far I could have been if I just stuck to what I said I was gonna do. I could have been healthy and fit 10 times over by now! And while I DON'T want to focus on past failures I DO want to make sure that I learn from them. I'm doing better then I have in a really long time and I do eventually see myself of making my ultimate goal of 136 but I wanted to be more motivated. I was hoping to be 145 by the time I go home for Thanksgiving but at the slow rate I'm going it seems I'll be lucky if I even get to 150! At times I get this idea in my mind that I don't really want to lose weight and that I'll be happy with myself if I don't but honestly? I won't be. I can't be. Because I know I can do better and I know I can be MUCH healthier than I am at my age.

I have this idea in my mind. I just want perfection. I want to be the a nice healthy weight that enables me to wear cute clothes. I want to wear makeup everyday and accessorize. I want to be spiritually and religiously together. I want to go to grad school. I want my iTunes to be organized! (lol, random I know). I want to have my own cute little studio apartment thats decorated all sweet and girly. I want a boyfriend. A REAL man. With a job! I want someone who I would be proud for my family to meet. I want everything to just fall into place. Is that so bad? sigh. I mean things aren't bad right now. In fact they are really good but they could be going better and I could be doing more.

I'm attempting to get my head in the game this weekend. We shall see...

155.

Happy Happy Joy Joy! More to come later :)

158!

I have FINALLY....FINALLLYYYYY gotten out of the 60s and into the 50s!! I go back to school in about two and half weeks and my goal is to shed 8 pounds by then so I can reach 150. Yes I know that sounds like a lot of weigh in a lot of time buuuut I am on this Suzanne Somers diet with my family. The last week we have all been following this get skinny on fabulous food diet and I lost 4 pounds! This diet is HARD! I mean there are SOOO many things I miss but when I think of all the things I have to gain it makes it that much easier. This is like a two week thing and then you go into phase 2. Well instead of phase 2 I'm going to create my own phase -- which will consist of cutting back, moderation, stopping when full, and portion control. That way I can eat the things I ADORE like burgers, fries, pizza, and ice cream while maintaining my weight loss. I KNOW I can do this. I've turned down SOOO many treats this week. There were TWO dessert parties at work this week, we had sushi at the office (I can't eat white rice) and I've been out to dinner/lunch 3 times in the last week but through everything I've managed to stay true even though I have done my fair share of complaining....my family has noted this. But seeing that scale change from 162 to 158 in about a week has totally put me in a different state of mind. I mean trust I'm gonna get downnnnnn the first minute this thing is over.....FOR that meal but then after that I'm gonna keep my composure. I mean I don't have to keep eating this strictly because I don't need to lose more weight after the two weeks of phase one. For me I like to lose 8 to 10 pounds and then work on maintaing that for a period of time, stabilizing myself and my eating and then I like to lose the next 8 to 10 pounds. SOOOO happppppy....floating on AIIIIR! I hope to weigh in next week with some even MORE exciting news. I know this is short but I just wanted to keep you updated!!

Fear No More

I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’m not gonna be able to keep this up. Losing weight has been more than amazing, for once I feel like I’m actually doing something beneficial for myself. I haven’t felt this good about myself in a long time. But there is always that nagging fear that I won’t be able to keep it up. That eventually I will slip back into bad habits and this good feeling we’ll be nothing more than a mere memory a few months from now. I have GOT to stop that from happening. I refuse to have this feeling be short lived – it just feels TOO damn good. I don’t know what I would do without it. I don’t want to start over from scratch anymore. And you know what I notice about myself? I usually begin to fall back into old habits right before I set a deadline or the event comes up that I was trying to get in shape for. Now I don’t know if this is self-sabotage or if I set up a goal that is wayyy to strenuous therefore setting myself up for failure from the start – all I know is that it stops here. I have been boo-hooing about trying to lose weight since I was 13, I’m almost 22! I refuse to spend any more time whining over something that I can change! I have ALL the control. All this time I have had the control, in fact I think that is what makes it worse because when you fail you have no one to blame but yourself. If you miss a workout it’s your fault... if you pick up that double bacon cheeseburger when you told yourself that you were going to get that salad then it’s YOUR fault. It’s time to take some responsibility. Whose fault is it that I am overweight? MINE but the upside to that is who can change this and help me become healthy and in shape? ME! I’m sorry but sometimes I need a good ole pep talk and right now is a crucial time for me. I could fall off the wagon or I can cling on to the back of it for dear life. And I’ve decided…*drum roll please* to cling on!!! There is NO way I can go back to the way things were. See that would be easy…to give up. But you know what would be hard? Sticking with it. That would be a challenge. And usually being the coward that I am I run away from/avoid challenges but this is one challenge, this is one fight that I refuse to give up on. This is not a battle…this is a full-fledged war. And I am taking down the enemy: low self esteem + unhealthiness. Say bye bye!! Yes I know this sounds crazy cheesy but cheesy is what works sometimes, you have to admit. I want to use all of my anger from wasted years and spill tears to propel me into reaching my goal. I DESERVE this more than anybody. So I’m gonna take what I DESERVE! I’m tired of being afraid….for once? I’m gonna be happy J

161.

So now I'm at 161 pounds. Not horrible, not amazing. But not nearly where I planned to be at this stage. Vacation is a week from today and I've only lost two pounds since I've come home for the summer. Which is great because I haven't gained but I really have got to put some speed on this, I have the rest of July and August and I want to be around 150 pounds. 11 more pounds to go! I exercised yesterday....an hour long Jillian Michaels tape and I also went for a hike :) but today I slacked off, did nothing, annnnnd had Chipotle for dinner (it was a burrito bowl though!) I just wished I had accomplished more in the time that I had but I guess if I want to lose weight and keep it off than I need to loose it slowly....but this slow? Time to get re-motivated and kick things BACK into high gear. Well I'm off....just wanted to give a small update. I know its been a while. Hopefully next time I'll be saying I'm 157, or 155. I would love to get back into the 150s!! Until next time :)